Single = Self Sufficient

One of my three dedicated readers complained to me this week that I needed to start writing about something besides BB drama.  Although I think I've only been complaining about him for two weeks or so (and if you weren't so bored at work you wouldn't be reading this anyway...) I will comply with your request.  What a great friend I am!

This week, my father had outpatient surgery.  My father has had one foot in the grave for years, and because he and my mom are divorced, I am responsible for a lot of his care.  And friends, this has put a damper on my social life for years.  However, I have discovered that I really enjoy hospital cafeteria food - its cheap, halfway healthy and they almost always have something vegetarian.  

After my plate of breakfast potatoes, fruit, cheese blintzes and coffee ($4.75) I started watching people and thinking, mostly because there was little else to do.  Most of the people under the age of 60 were spending their time making worried calls on their cell phones and text messaging.  Because I have no significant other, I was not making calls or updating anyone on the progress of the day.  I was just sitting back and waiting (and watching.  And maybe once or twice thinking uncharitable things).  No big deal.  But if I had someone that I had to report out to, I think that the day would have felt more significant.  I feel as if events in life become more dramatic if you have someone:  because that someone is worried about you, or wants to express concern, or wants to support you, they make a big deal out of little things.  Which, in turn, makes you make a big deal out of little things.  Without that person, you just grit your teeth and do what has to be done.

A while back, I had a minor OB/GYN test that is pretty routine, but kinda painful.  I had a boyfriend at the time, and he was worried.  He called me before and after the procedure, and wanted to drive me (hell no!).  I wasn't worried about the stupid test until I heard the concern in his voice, then I got all freaked out.  It was sweet that he was so concerned, but without him around, it would have been no big deal to me.  Grit teeth, get done, take tylenol, have a beer.  

In my life, I tend to deal with crises situations better when I am single.  And I don't really know why that is.  Maybe because the majority of my adult life has been spent single and that's when the majority of the crappy things have happened.  If you have nobody to bitch and whine to, you have no choice but to move forward.  If you do have someone to bitch and whine to, you spend time talking about the situation, analyzing the situation and drumming up pity, instead of dealing with the situation.  

Or maybe I am just hopelessly screwed up.

Either way, in case you are wondering, after a rough day of reaction to anesthesia, dad seems to have pulled through ok.

A small amount of inner peace

Today, I am peaceful inside.  Its been a long time since I have felt this way.  The inner anxiety and feeling that something is "missing" seems to have faded, at least for today.  

BB called me yesterday afternoon.  To my great credit, I did not pick up the phone.  I let him leave a voicemail.  It said that he was confused by my text messages (good!  I'm glad!) and he wasn't sure if I coming over or not and that he wanted to make himself available if I wanted to see him.  Interesting choice of words on his part, but I'll let it slide. 

I took a shower and collected my thoughts before I called him back.  I explained that I wasn't headed his way because my brother actually did me a favor and took my dad on errands that needed to be done, so I got a free day at home.  Like hell I was going to spend 8 bucks in gas money to just drop crap off at his house and drive back home.  I said that I hadn't planned on seeing him since he didn't respond to my emails.  "there was only one email" says BB.   Classic.

The first email warranted no response, and I'll grant him that.  The second email was sent to a different account; his university account, which apparently got shut off so he never received the message that said "i'm ready to talk to you now."  I told him what the second message said, and he asked whether "now was a good time to talk."  So we did.

Just as a side-bar, this is why email sucks.  I was absolutely schitzo for a week and anger bubbled up inside of me because BB wasn't responding to a message he never got.  What a damn waste of time and energy on my part.  Anyway...

We talked for 45 minutes.  Not about "us" but just about stuff that was going on.  He told me stories from the Neonatal ICU.  I told him about whitewater training class.  On my end at least, the conversation was sorta forced.  I wasn't friendly and chatty, or nearly as witty as I usually am.  I was certainly holding back.  But, it was good to talk to him.  To know that he was doing ok, to know that things really hadn't changed.  And, honestly, to roll my eyes a little bit when told a long hospital story I could have cared less about.  

It was difficult to know when to end the conversation.  But, we decided to do an in-person stuff exchange this weekend.  And honestly, I think it will be ok. 

I'm not exactly sure why talking to him made the anxiety go away.  It may be because for almost two weeks, I have been waiting and wondering when he was going to email me or contact me.  Had I not lost my shit on Sunday, I probably would still be waiting and feeling that way.  Hey - there is something to be said for letting your emotions get the best of you after all!  Maybe I should do it more often.  

Anger, then bad decisions

Well, I didn't call him last night.  But I did text message him.

I was SO angry last night I was shaking.  It still shocks me that he can have this effect on me.  So, I texted him the following "I plan to drop your stuff off at your house tomorrow.  Just so you know."  He texted back almost immediately that he was working (it was about 10pm) and what time would I be by?  Well, since he was working overnight, he would be home during the day, so my plan started falling apart.  I can't drop his crap off at the house if he is in there sleeping.  Or not sleeping.  So, I texted back that I may not, since he was going to be there, and haven't heard back.

Also, in eHarmony news, BB has signed up for the "premium personality profile":

The eHarmony Premium Personality Profile is an expanded version of our standard Personality Profile. Based on state-of-the-art psychological research, it provides you with an in-depth analysis of 15 critical aspects of your personality and allows you to:

    * Discover your best qualities and opportunities for improvement

    * Learn how aspects of your personality directly impact your personal and professional relationships

    * Empower yourself with a deep understanding of what makes you who you are

It costs 20 bucks.  Who is going to spend 20 bucks on a computer based personality profile?!?  But, he did it.  I don't know what this means.  Is he really trying to change (but for someone else)?  Is he desperate to get laid?  I still want to think that he is desperate and grasping at straws.  Good luck to him though - noone he is going to find to date around here is going to be nearly as interesting, patient and understanding as I am.  And good.  I hope it makes him realize what he gave up.

What this has made me realize though, is that I do need to talk to him.  I do.  I deserve to know why he was so intent on being "my friend" but then ignored my recent emails.  And there are some things I think I'd like to tell him.  Probably mean things.

So, end result today is that I am NOT going to his house to drop stuff off.  I'm going to stay at home and get my life in order.  I WILL do it by the end of the week though.  And, I may call him this afternoon.  Its probably a bad idea, but I really don't care anymore.

BB Moves On

I had a great Memorial Day weekend at the beach with my girlfriends.  We laid on the beach, drank girly drinks, and psycho analyzed everyone we know (but not any my three dedicated blog readers, I promise.  You are all perfectly normal and not at all fun to talk about).

Too bad I shoulda been psycho analyzing myself.

BB updated his profile on eHarmony.  I did not want to know this.  I found out accidentally.  Its eHarmony "free communication" weekend.  I was scrolling through names and profiles and saw "B--" and clicked.  Oops.  It was BB.  I can't see pictures because I'm not a paying member right now, and thank god for that.  But, the reason I didn't think it was him is because there was this "relyID" thing next to his name.  That was never there before - its some bullshit thing where eHarmony will verify that you are really you so that your potential matches will be more confident that you aren't lying.  But really, just cuz a guy actually lives where he says he lives doesn't make him a non-serial killer now, does it?  He also updated the book he was reading.  I know this because in the throes of me thinking I was in love with him, I actually saved his profile as a word document so that we could look at it when we were old and grey together.  So, I compared his current profile to the old one.  New stuff.

BB is dating.  Or at least he's a paying eHarmony customer, which is pretty damn close.  There are a gazillion girls out there who would line up to date a pediatrician so its only a matter of time before he finds one who is so dazzled by his knowledge of how to suck boogers of out a baby's nose that she'll ignore the gorilla body hair and cpap machine and sleep with him.  

Seriously, WTF?  He's going to do this same thing to some other girl and that makes me MAD.  He doesn't want a relationship, he doesn't want to change his life for anyone, he doesn't want to make sacrifices or compromise, yet he's going to date again?  You have got to be kidding me.  I'm seriously about ready to pick up the phone and go off, but I'm not going to.  That would be stupid and pointless.  

And he has yet to email me back.  What a coward.

Not cool BB, not cool

I am seriously confused.  I tried so hard to not care that he wasn't emailing me back.  I chalked it up to the fact that he doesn't check that particular email account that much, or that he was working overnight 30-hour shifts, but that only works so for so long before I start wondering what the hell is going on.

I emailed him last freaking thursday.  That was six days ago.  

I made a mistake though, and emailed him again.  Last night.  At his quasi-work email account, so I know he got it.  It didn't say anything; just that I wondered if he had gotten my previous email and that if he wanted to talk he should let me know when a good time would be.  Now I just look freaking pathetic.  And I've made myself vulnerable.  I feel like a complete moron.

Honestly, I am absolutely stunned that I haven't heard back from him.  Three weeks ago, he was asking about the status of "you and me" and wanted to be my friend.  Now he won't even email me back?  I am SO confused by this.  This is the kind of guy behavior that drives normally rational people like me to become stalkers.  I'd like to think he has been in a tragic motorcycle accident and is in a body cast somewhere, unable to call or check his email, wondering if I am thinking about him.  But no, these things don't really happen.  Except in fairy tales and on tv.  Besides, I would have heard about a gory motorcycle accident.  

Now I am obsessively checking my email, waiting for a message from him.  And I'm starting to get really, really mad.

So, but, here's the deal.  I don't want him back.  I honestly don't.  I want him to want me back, but that's really irrelevant.  What I want is to talk to him, or see him, and put the final nail in the relationship coffin.  Some would call this "closure" but I hate that term.  But, maybe that's what it is.  I'm tired of waiting to feel better and I want to get on with my life, and I want to start dating again, but I can't until this is finally, finally over.  

And he once again has the upper hand.  Because I am pathetic.  :(

Outside my comfort zone

If there is one thing I have realized about myself in the past few years it is that I am a big fat scardy-cat.  Oh, I pretend to be all adventurous, but its mostly an act.  Yes, I do things that most people are too lazy to do, but camping at a state park and kayaking in slow moving water isn't going to score me a show on the Discovery Channel.  I try to combat this aversion to the new and different on occasion - the last one being scuba diving where on my first real open water dive, I panicked and had to be plucked from the water nearly unconscious.  

So, with that great track record on the water, I signed up for a two day training session in whitewater kayaking!  Pretty smart, huh?   The reason I did this?  To meet people.  Yes, that's right folks.  I risked life and limb and nearly had a breakdown so that I could possibly meet a cute boy.

So anyway, the first day of kayak training we learned to paddle tiny boats on a pond.  No problem.  Except the day started out with me having to flip the boat and extricate myself.  Oh god.  I just about went home right then.  But I did it.  And it sucked.  But I lived.  I was also in about 3 feet of water, so the danger factor was pretty low.  I was still pretty scared about toppling the boat, so I voluntarily did it 3 more times at the end of the day.  

Then I got home and had what I assume is an anxiety attack.  I actually had to sit on the back porch and tell myself to breathe.  The second day of kayak training was in actual moving water, with like rocks, and current, and danger and stuff.  That, on top of work stress, home stress and everything else that is going on obviously got me.  I almost bailed on the second day of training. Seriously.  I would have done anything to have had a legitimate excuse for missing it.

But I went, and I had fun.  And I didn't die.  And I actually liked it.  I was the only person who did not flip during the trip, and not because I was being cautious.  Once I got the feel of the boat in the water my confidence shot up, and clearly, I was doing WAY better than most of the guys in the class, which made me maybe a bit cocky.  Despite thunderstorms and rain, and having to pee, it really was a great day.  And I am proud of myself.  

So, my plan for meeting cute boys almost worked.  I was the only girl in my group and 4 of the guys were around my age.  Most were married.  There was one really cute unmarried one, who clearly has some issues.  Possibly one too many rocks to the head.  At the very beginning of training, we were talking in the parking lot and I said "I'm thinking about changing.  Its getting hot." and he said "I've already had my sex this morning."

WHAT?!?

He later apologized.  But, hello?  Not only inappropriate, but weird.  This guy was clearly a winner.  He referred to what I assume to be his girlfriend as "this chick I hang out with."  She should run, far far away.

As a bonus though, even though the only sorta single guy in the group was an un-datable tool, during a lull in the action, conversation turned towards my love life.  Not that anything will ever come of it, but I've got new people on the lookout for me.  

And I didn't think about BB once when I was on the water.

#4

Reason #4 - he hasn't emailed me back yet.  And he never would have gone whitewater kayaking with me this weekend.

So exhausted from kayaking that I almost don't care that he hasn't responded.  I've had a headache for three days.  If he had emailed me back, my head probably would have exploded.  

What's the harm in one little email?

So, remember that top ten list?!  Well, I only got to #2 before I broke down and emailed BB.  Hey, don't judge!  I did it when I was ready and on my own terms.  I didn't say anything important - just that I could talk next week when exams are over.

I didn't say anything about missing him, or hurting, or for that matter, I didn't even put in the mandatory "I hope you are doing well..."  (cuz really, who am I kidding, I hope he is doing crappy).  Man, I really didn't even think to wish him well!  See, growth!

I did however alert him to an upcoming concert that I think he would enjoy.  Katie thinks that he will construe this as an invitation.  If he does, he is more delusional than I was a month ago.  And that's some serious delusion, my friends.  But I had to stick the concert thing in there - I saw the notice just as I sat down at my computer and its what really pushed me into finally emailing (was it a sign?).  Am I delusional in thinking that its not out of the question that we could go together as friends?  

I will answer that question for myself.  Yes.  That is totally delusional.  Besides, I will have a kick ass new boyfriend by then who will not only love me, but support me!  And I can go with him.  Or with one of my fake boyfriends (more on my fake boyfriends to come in future blogs).  Or, even with a girlfriend (not as much fun though.  Even the fake boyfriends will usually buy me beer).

Reason #3 that BB was wrong for me:  He didn't like animals.  Yeah, no kidding!  Seriously, who doesn't like animals?  Its like saying you don't like pizza.  Or ice cream.  (BTW - during my life, I have gone through stages where I didn't like pizza or ice cream, but mostly cuz I was young and picky and didn't like tomatoes and am lactose intolerant.  But we aren't talking about me here.  Focus, people.)  He would look at my two, possibly neurotic cats, shake his head and wonder aloud why people bother.  I don't think he once even patted either one on the head.  He did feed them once, but mostly because they were meowing at them and he wanted them to stop.  

He hasn't emailed me back yet.  And honestly, I think I'm ok if he doesn't.

#2

I almost emailed him tonite, but then I remembered about my top ten list!  How could I have forgotten so soon?

Reason #2: If he had a free Saturday, he would prefer to spend it inside, reading and napping.  Granted, it was winter, but I think that was his sentiment year round.  I prefer to spend free Saturdays doing stuff, even in the winter.  I would have ended it soon enough if he had interfered with kayaking when the weather got nice.

Speaking of kayaking, I have signed up for a kayak training session this weekend.  Do I need training?  Not necessarily.  Do I need to meet new people who might be fun and outdoorsy?  Yup.  And cute, and male?  Definitely.  Absolutely.  I am fully prepared to be disappointed by the number of 65 year olds enjoying their retirement by picking up a new hobby, but you know, they might have cute sons...  Hell, they might even have ugly sons.  That would totally do right now.

7 Weeks

Today marks 7 weeks since BB broke up with me (yes, I counted. I actually thought it was 8 and was much more proud of myself. 7 doesn't seem that significant). I have not called him or contacted him since his email two weeks ago. For that, I am proud of myself. But now I don't know what to do.

I still miss him, but I barely remember him. When I picture his face in my head, I can only picture pieces of it - like his cheeks (the only place on his body excepting his forehead and palms that was not covered in hair), or his eyes, or his chin. But not the whole thing. It bothers me a bit. Is my head slowly erasing him? Remember that picture that Michael J. Fox had of his brother and sister in Back to the Future? You know, as he screwed things up more and more, they slowly disappeared? That's kind of what I feel like.

It seems weird to me now that I spent so much of my winter rearranging my life to be with him, particularly since I'm so busy this spring I can hardly keep it together. How the hell would I manage a boyfriend on top of this? And how would I afford it?! BB lived 25 miles away from my house, and 50 miles from where I work. Commuting back and forth to his place was getting expensive. And that was before gas hit $3.75.

But, fact is, I told him I would contact him sometime. And I still don't want to. I'm going to be so upset if the first words out of his mouth aren't "I made a mistake. I love you." And I don't expect him to say that, or anything like it. He didn't love me, and most men don't admit to mistakes. I've almost found myself wondering if he will try to contact me again. I totally win if he does, but then again, I'm going to be totally pissed cuz I told him that I would call him when I was ready. I'm sorry to bore you with this neurotic bullshit, but its helpful for me to write it down.

So, to make myself feel better, I'm going to start a list of why I will never get back together with BB. One reason a day.

#1 - He didn't eat vegetables, and I'm a vegetarian. Seriously, he even took the lettuce and tomatoes off his burgers. He would shudder when I ordered a salad the same way I shudder when someone orders veal. Eating was always a big ordeal. I like to eat without debating it.

This is a good start. Perhaps by the time I get to # 10 I'll be ready to call Sailboat.

Quote of the Day

I just logged on to my igoogle page and looked at my quotes of the day and was so pleased with this one I felt the need to share it:

"Idealism is what precedes experience.  Cynicism is what follows."  - David T. Wolf

I have no idea who David T. Wolf is, but undoubtedly I will soon become bored with stats homework and google him.  What a wise, wise man...

Stuck in the airport

I have been at the airport trying to get home since 2pm today.  I hear that our flight, originally scheduled to depart at 4:10, might take off by 9pm.  I'm in a rather small airport, so the people watching is not nearly as good as it could be, but I've made a couple friends.  And the lady running the bar is, uh, interesting to say the least.  Its amazing how friendly people are when they no longer have any reason whatsoever to be in a hurry.  Ok, well, they aren't friends since technically I will never talk to or see them ever again, but it was fun to chat with them for a little while.

Anyway, being at the airport has given me some time to think, at least when I'm not striking up conversations with people.  And the thing is, I'm totally not jazzed to call or even contact BB this weekend.  That was my original plan - let him sit and stew for a week or so, then be a big girl and call him.  Not email, not text message: an actual phone call.  Remember those days?  You know, when there was no way to wuss out of actually talking to someone?  I remember those days, but seriously, I was still in high school.

Twice today, I have seen two guys completely dressed in scrubs sitting in the airport waiting to get on flights to places that obviously didn't have weather issues today since they are gone and I am still here.  First of all, who wears scrubs on an airplane?  Second, how come I still get a weird jolt/sick feeling when I see guys in scrubs?  Dude, they could have been custodial staff for all I know, but I still felt sick.  I wondered if they were like him - totally dedicated to their careers, shutting out relationships and distractions, mostly miserable...  Why do I even wonder these things though?  And, how come I no longer really want to talk to him, but still miss him at the same time?  

I do feel like I need to call though, but it feels like an obligation.  And it totally sucks that I feel that way.  I shouldn't feel obligated to call and make small talk with the boy that broke my heart six weeks ago.  I shouldn't feel responsible to do anything that might make him feel better.  I know myself - I will call and make nicey-nicey small talk.  "How was your vacation?" "Have you gotten to ride your motorcycle?" "What rotation are you on?"  Instead, I should be asking things like "Have you pulled your head out of your ass yet?"  "Have you realized how awesome I am and how wrong you were?"  "Do you realize how selfish you are?"  

I wonder how I am going to feel about it when I get home?  Its easy to block out my feelings when I'm on travel, constantly surrounded by my colleagues from 8 am - midnight.  Its going to be a different story when I get back home and see that bag of his crap in my office, and the jar of jam he bought in my fridge, and the frozen stuff i bought so he would have stuff to eat at my house...  

I'm hoping I will be strong this weekend, whatever happens.  I'm promising myself right now that I'm going to do what feels right, no matter what it is.  And I'm not going to beat myself up if I call him, or don't call him, or email him, or not.  He's just not worth it anymore.  Or maybe I just think that cuz I'm just and cranky from bad airport air and bad airport pizza.

Dorky Fountain Pen sends me into a fit

I'm on travel for work this week.  We are competing for a well-qualified recently graduated grad student to work with us on a special project for 2 years, at very little cost to us.  Virtually free labor for two years is excellent for us.  But this is not my point.

My point is that I was having trouble concentrating on our interviews this morning because I had lost BB's pen.  A pen I have been saving to give back to him, someday, when I am ready to see him again.  Its a pretty expensive fountain pen - I'm a bic disposable pen girl myself due to my tendency to LOSE things - and for some reason I decided to bring it on my trip.  I think I wanted to feel like a grown up big girl using my (his) fancy pen.  

So this morning, late, and fairly hungover due to the "executive" margaritas I was drinking, I couldn't find it.  It was totally gone.  I tore apart my bag, my suitcase, the crap laying on the dresser, but it was absolutely nowhere.  I got to the interview room and tore it apart too. nada.  I have been so careful with with that stupid thing - and it was just gone.  Now, I had no idea, but this stupid pen sells for well over a hundred bucks, so I was pretty upset for that reason, but more upset because I felt like it was a sign that I should lose BB too.  Or at least stop using his stupid pen.  And, I know I was nauseous from the tequila a bit, but I was totally nauseous over the fact that I had lost the pen.  Why is it that things like this are given such significance.  OMG.  His pen is gone.  That means there is no hope for us ever again.  I am so ridiculous sometimes.  So, while I was supposed to be giving these kids my undivided attention and talking about their resumes and what great experiences they could have with us, I am obsessing over a freaking fountain pen and its stupid-boy owner.

I found the pen though.  It was under the hotel bed.  Then I felt better.  I'm still hungover though.  And I'm definitely still ridiculous.

They always know just how to get you...

The very same day that I decided to start this blog was the same day that I decided to get back on eHarmony to see if I could find the phone number of that nice young man I was emailing before I met BB, who was also an eHarmony match.  I had told Nice Young Man, who I will refer to as Sailboat (because he owns one) that I had met someone and while I had really enjoyed emailing with him, I'm not really a two-guy kind of girl (really, its just too much work) so I was going to go away and see what happened.  Sailboat actually emailed me several months later, saying that he had been out sailing, had seen some kayakers and wondered what I was up to.  Ironically, he emailed me a week before BB broke up with me, but I didn't see the email until this week because the thought of logging onto eHarmony made me physically ill.  

I found his number, and tried to respond to his email through the eHarmony system.  Of course, because I'm not a paying member, it didn't go through - I did get a nice page telling me all the benefits of membership and how if I just coughed up another 60 bucks, I could get my heart broken again.  And soon!  Yay!  I may call him though sometime.  But, the moral of this long and possibly pointless story is that while I was thinking about how to word my email to Sailboat (Dear Sailboat,  My heart was recently broken and I'm not sure I'm ready to date again.  But, on the other hand, you have a sailboat.  Want to be my summer rebound?), a new email came in.

And if you know anything about irony and timing, you will have guessed that the email was from BB.  Now, again, details of this relationship are going to come out in bits and dribbles, but when I spoke to him last, I thought it was clear that I couldn't talk to him for a long time.  Maybe he didn't understand me though the tears and sobbing, but I thought I was pretty clear on it.  He couldn't see himself in a LTR - I was basically in love with him and was prepared to sell my house, abandon my friends, family and neighbors so I could spend my life with him, as an ignored and depressed doctor's wife.  

So, I had sort of expected to hear from him honestly, but not this soon.  He was on vacation and spending it in Oregon with his family, whom he misses tremendously.  I think he got to thinking about how lonely he is here - no local friends, now no girlfriend - just a brutal time consuming job, a hand-me down couch, an empty fridge, a tv that's not hooked up to the outside world and a cold, sort of uncomfortable bed.  

So he says that he's using the fact that he still has my hairdryer (my $10, cheap ass, almost scared to use it cuz I think it might set me on fire hairdryer) as an excuse to "check in on you.  And on you and me..."  He then goes on to tell me that he could mail it to me, or give it back face to face, or goodwill it (please don't give it to poor people.  its not safe).  Then says that if he doesn't hear back from me he will take it to goodwill and "try to respect your boundaries while hoping we can be friends some day."

So, I'm SHAKING when I get this email.  I'm shocked that 1) he contacts me about my hairdryer when he is 3000 miles away from said hairdryer and 2) that he could be so selfish and arrogant.  Yes, of course, I'm glad he is thinking about me.  And I hope he misses me.  I hope he regrets not being able to put on his big-boy pants and hold on to the best woman he will ever meet.  But, he should do these things ALONE and without contacting me.  Its only been about 6 weeks, and today its been 4 weeks since we've talked on the phone.  He may be over it and ready to be "friends" but I still have this huge, gaping hole in my heart and even now am subject to strange anxiety attacks for no particular reason.  

So, the million dollar question is, why did he contact me?  Does he really care about my hair and my hairdryer?  Does he want to see me?  Does he want to start fresh after vacation with no reminders of me around (even though, and many boys will attest to this, he will find long blonde hairs all over his apartment until he moves out.  take that!)?  Does he want me back?  Or, and this is probably the most likely, does he really want to be my friend, with possibly a benefit or two when I have 4 beers?

The First Blog

My heart was recently broken, for the first time in my adult life.  By a guy I had dated for - are you ready for this? - less than three months.  Less than three months, and the guy has had me in tears for the past six weeks wondering what could have been (isn't there a Tiffany song about that?  I'll have to drag out my record collection).

Undoubtedly, there will be many more postings about what happened in that relationship, but here is the interesting part.  I am a cynic when it comes to love and relationships.  I know that relationships are hard, and that most of them don't work out.  But I met this guy and there was such instant chemistry and feelings and intimacy, I went with it.  Why did I go with it?  Because I am a cynic!  

Are you confused?  See, my friends who are romantics always feel like they are in love, and so, they have learned to think about their relationship decisions knowing that they think with their hearts, not with their heads.  I, on the other hand, always think with my head.  Reasoning, calculating, hypothesizing.  So, when I get swept up in a love at first sight kind of gig, its gotta be for real!  Nothing else makes any sense.  So, I pushed away all those cynical thoughts that had previously kept my emotional fortress up, ignored all the warning signs that things might be coming to a crashing halt, and put myself out there 400%.

And I got stung.

So, I'm back to cynicism.  But, the problem is, this guy - all three months of him - changed me.  All of a sudden, I seem to want to be in a relationship.  Like, a committed one.  What's that?  Where did that come from?  What do I do with that?  

I don't know, but it sure is going to be interesting to find out.