Tuesday, May 27, 2008

A small amount of inner peace

Today, I am peaceful inside.  Its been a long time since I have felt this way.  The inner anxiety and feeling that something is "missing" seems to have faded, at least for today.  

BB called me yesterday afternoon.  To my great credit, I did not pick up the phone.  I let him leave a voicemail.  It said that he was confused by my text messages (good!  I'm glad!) and he wasn't sure if I coming over or not and that he wanted to make himself available if I wanted to see him.  Interesting choice of words on his part, but I'll let it slide. 

I took a shower and collected my thoughts before I called him back.  I explained that I wasn't headed his way because my brother actually did me a favor and took my dad on errands that needed to be done, so I got a free day at home.  Like hell I was going to spend 8 bucks in gas money to just drop crap off at his house and drive back home.  I said that I hadn't planned on seeing him since he didn't respond to my emails.  "there was only one email" says BB.   Classic.

The first email warranted no response, and I'll grant him that.  The second email was sent to a different account; his university account, which apparently got shut off so he never received the message that said "i'm ready to talk to you now."  I told him what the second message said, and he asked whether "now was a good time to talk."  So we did.

Just as a side-bar, this is why email sucks.  I was absolutely schitzo for a week and anger bubbled up inside of me because BB wasn't responding to a message he never got.  What a damn waste of time and energy on my part.  Anyway...

We talked for 45 minutes.  Not about "us" but just about stuff that was going on.  He told me stories from the Neonatal ICU.  I told him about whitewater training class.  On my end at least, the conversation was sorta forced.  I wasn't friendly and chatty, or nearly as witty as I usually am.  I was certainly holding back.  But, it was good to talk to him.  To know that he was doing ok, to know that things really hadn't changed.  And, honestly, to roll my eyes a little bit when told a long hospital story I could have cared less about.  

It was difficult to know when to end the conversation.  But, we decided to do an in-person stuff exchange this weekend.  And honestly, I think it will be ok. 

I'm not exactly sure why talking to him made the anxiety go away.  It may be because for almost two weeks, I have been waiting and wondering when he was going to email me or contact me.  Had I not lost my shit on Sunday, I probably would still be waiting and feeling that way.  Hey - there is something to be said for letting your emotions get the best of you after all!  Maybe I should do it more often.  




3 comments:

DocJohn said...

So when you say, "Honest, I think it will be okay," do you really mean:

A. I will see him and not feel anything and be okay with it.

B. I will see him and want to jump his bones, but be okay with it.

C. I will see him and accidentally stick an ice pick in his eye and ask him how it feels to experience pain.

D. I will see him and nonchalantly lose my clothes on my way to the door and see how he reacts.

Sorry, it's not multiple choice -- you can choose only one! :)

Susan said...

How about, I want it to be A, think it will probably be B, if its B, I will probably also want to do C, but would D be so bad? I mean, I'm already planning to wear something that makes me look ridiculously hot. Clothes that make me look hot are usually difficult to remove "nonchalantly" though, given the lycra content...

DocJohn said...

You are more insightful than I think most guys who've ever gone out with you will ever know.... Wise beyond your years!! :)