Anyway, being at the airport has given me some time to think, at least when I'm not striking up conversations with people. And the thing is, I'm totally not jazzed to call or even contact BB this weekend. That was my original plan - let him sit and stew for a week or so, then be a big girl and call him. Not email, not text message: an actual phone call. Remember those days? You know, when there was no way to wuss out of actually talking to someone? I remember those days, but seriously, I was still in high school.
Twice today, I have seen two guys completely dressed in scrubs sitting in the airport waiting to get on flights to places that obviously didn't have weather issues today since they are gone and I am still here. First of all, who wears scrubs on an airplane? Second, how come I still get a weird jolt/sick feeling when I see guys in scrubs? Dude, they could have been custodial staff for all I know, but I still felt sick. I wondered if they were like him - totally dedicated to their careers, shutting out relationships and distractions, mostly miserable... Why do I even wonder these things though? And, how come I no longer really want to talk to him, but still miss him at the same time?
I do feel like I need to call though, but it feels like an obligation. And it totally sucks that I feel that way. I shouldn't feel obligated to call and make small talk with the boy that broke my heart six weeks ago. I shouldn't feel responsible to do anything that might make him feel better. I know myself - I will call and make nicey-nicey small talk. "How was your vacation?" "Have you gotten to ride your motorcycle?" "What rotation are you on?" Instead, I should be asking things like "Have you pulled your head out of your ass yet?" "Have you realized how awesome I am and how wrong you were?" "Do you realize how selfish you are?"
I wonder how I am going to feel about it when I get home? Its easy to block out my feelings when I'm on travel, constantly surrounded by my colleagues from 8 am - midnight. Its going to be a different story when I get back home and see that bag of his crap in my office, and the jar of jam he bought in my fridge, and the frozen stuff i bought so he would have stuff to eat at my house...
I'm hoping I will be strong this weekend, whatever happens. I'm promising myself right now that I'm going to do what feels right, no matter what it is. And I'm not going to beat myself up if I call him, or don't call him, or email him, or not. He's just not worth it anymore. Or maybe I just think that cuz I'm just and cranky from bad airport air and bad airport pizza.