Sunday, May 4, 2008

They always know just how to get you...

The very same day that I decided to start this blog was the same day that I decided to get back on eHarmony to see if I could find the phone number of that nice young man I was emailing before I met BB, who was also an eHarmony match.  I had told Nice Young Man, who I will refer to as Sailboat (because he owns one) that I had met someone and while I had really enjoyed emailing with him, I'm not really a two-guy kind of girl (really, its just too much work) so I was going to go away and see what happened.  Sailboat actually emailed me several months later, saying that he had been out sailing, had seen some kayakers and wondered what I was up to.  Ironically, he emailed me a week before BB broke up with me, but I didn't see the email until this week because the thought of logging onto eHarmony made me physically ill.  

I found his number, and tried to respond to his email through the eHarmony system.  Of course, because I'm not a paying member, it didn't go through - I did get a nice page telling me all the benefits of membership and how if I just coughed up another 60 bucks, I could get my heart broken again.  And soon!  Yay!  I may call him though sometime.  But, the moral of this long and possibly pointless story is that while I was thinking about how to word my email to Sailboat (Dear Sailboat,  My heart was recently broken and I'm not sure I'm ready to date again.  But, on the other hand, you have a sailboat.  Want to be my summer rebound?), a new email came in.

And if you know anything about irony and timing, you will have guessed that the email was from BB.  Now, again, details of this relationship are going to come out in bits and dribbles, but when I spoke to him last, I thought it was clear that I couldn't talk to him for a long time.  Maybe he didn't understand me though the tears and sobbing, but I thought I was pretty clear on it.  He couldn't see himself in a LTR - I was basically in love with him and was prepared to sell my house, abandon my friends, family and neighbors so I could spend my life with him, as an ignored and depressed doctor's wife.  

So, I had sort of expected to hear from him honestly, but not this soon.  He was on vacation and spending it in Oregon with his family, whom he misses tremendously.  I think he got to thinking about how lonely he is here - no local friends, now no girlfriend - just a brutal time consuming job, a hand-me down couch, an empty fridge, a tv that's not hooked up to the outside world and a cold, sort of uncomfortable bed.  

So he says that he's using the fact that he still has my hairdryer (my $10, cheap ass, almost scared to use it cuz I think it might set me on fire hairdryer) as an excuse to "check in on you.  And on you and me..."  He then goes on to tell me that he could mail it to me, or give it back face to face, or goodwill it (please don't give it to poor people.  its not safe).  Then says that if he doesn't hear back from me he will take it to goodwill and "try to respect your boundaries while hoping we can be friends some day."

So, I'm SHAKING when I get this email.  I'm shocked that 1) he contacts me about my hairdryer when he is 3000 miles away from said hairdryer and 2) that he could be so selfish and arrogant.  Yes, of course, I'm glad he is thinking about me.  And I hope he misses me.  I hope he regrets not being able to put on his big-boy pants and hold on to the best woman he will ever meet.  But, he should do these things ALONE and without contacting me.  Its only been about 6 weeks, and today its been 4 weeks since we've talked on the phone.  He may be over it and ready to be "friends" but I still have this huge, gaping hole in my heart and even now am subject to strange anxiety attacks for no particular reason.  

So, the million dollar question is, why did he contact me?  Does he really care about my hair and my hairdryer?  Does he want to see me?  Does he want to start fresh after vacation with no reminders of me around (even though, and many boys will attest to this, he will find long blonde hairs all over his apartment until he moves out.  take that!)?  Does he want me back?  Or, and this is probably the most likely, does he really want to be my friend, with possibly a benefit or two when I have 4 beers?

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