Saturday, August 30, 2008

Date Planning

I feeling better about my date with eHarmony David.  We just chatted on the phone for a little while and now have actual plans.  Its possible he was condescending a couple times, but maybe that was just me.  He laughed really hard when I told him that when I pull up to the marina, it will look like a large banana is humping a pistachio (my boat is bright yellow.  My car, bright green), so at least he has a sense of humor.

Still feel vaguely like I am cheating on BB - but, I can't cheat on someone I'm "not dating."  And I shouldn't feel like I'm cheating (or like a slutty ho).  I'm doing the best I can do to shove those feelings deep down inside so I can have a good time and not judge this poor guy.

Friday, August 29, 2008

Date Anxiety

I feel sick.  That nauseous, anxiety feeling that I get when I am faced with a decision I don't want to be faced with has taken hold in my belly.

I was checking my email at BB's house this morning.  I don't think I need to spell out why or how I ended up at his house, checking my email at 6:30 am because, let's face it, you are all pretty smart and I am pretty transparent.

I had kissed him goodbye - he looked so cute all showered, wearing his scrubs...  Well, his scrub pants anyway.  His belly is too large to allow him to wear scrub tops without looking semi-obscene - he goes with polo shirts.  Yes, I know.  "This is they guy you can't get out of your system?" " The guy whose fat, hairy belly sticks out of shirts?"  Love is blind, my friends.  And very, very stupid.  I tried to go back to sleep, but no luck there, so I got up and played on the computer for a bit.

I had emailed eHarmony David when I returned from Boston to see if he wanted to get together.  That was Tuesday night.  I hadn't heard anything back, so I assumed he had lost interest.  And really, I was fine with that.  I'm sure we would have had a really fun time hiking or kayaking or whatnot, but there wouldn't have been any chemistry, I would be busy with school and it would end up petering out.  But at 6:30 am, I had an email from him.  "Glad you made it back safely...yadda....yadda...yadda...Would you like to get together this weekend, maybe for an evening paddle?"  I said yes, although I waited until I was not physically in my ex-boyfriend's apartment to respond.  Somehow, that makes me feel like less of a slutty ho.

I had no choice but to say yes.  To say no would be to give up on new opportunities in favor of a situation that we all know is going to end badly.  But this is what's causing me anxiety. Warning: Schizophrenic-girl crap coming at you...  What if I really like this David guy?  What if he sweeps me off my feet?  Am I going to be happy, and not look back?  It makes me so sad to think of not being close with BB anymore.  Tragically sad.  Hence the knot in my stomach.  I have made it extraordinarily difficult for myself.  How can I move on with another guy, when I'm still putting the moves on the old guy?  When I'm unwilling to give up the old guy?

I am a friggin' mess.

Had a thought (gasp!) which scares me even more.  A frequently asked eHarmony question is "Your idea of a romantic date is..."  eHarmony lists four really stupid answers to choose from, so I write my own response.  "A hike or paddle at sunset..."  Does David's choice of evening paddle mean anything?  Is he trying to be romantic?  Oh god.  He's going to be a nice, great guy and I'm going to want nothing to do with him.

Someone, shoot me, please.  Put me out of my boy misery.  Or at least tattoo a disclaimer on my head.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Car think

Seven hours alone in a car sure gives you a lot of time to think.  Or time to obsess.  I chose to obsess.

I spent the weekend in Boston visiting old friends, who for some absurd reason chose to go to college and start their lives in a region where sometimes you can't see the street from the sidewalk due to the 6 foot pile of snow in between and where the cost of living is so ridiculous that millionaires are living in condos with peeling paint and have to hunt for on-street parking.  Plus, its so far away from me! 

I procrastinated buying a train ticket, so wound up driving.  Alone.  In my car that has a history of breaking down in Boston.  Luckily, gas prices have plummeted in the past couple weeks, so it was downright cheap to get there (relatively speaking).  And for once, the car behaved, and even did extra-good on gas mileage. 

In my younger days, I relished long road trips by myself.  I love quality time with my car. Love getting a chance to listen to cds all the way through.  Love comparing the quality and amenities at different rest stops along the way...  To sum up, I like road trips because I am easily amused.

But, I'm getting old.  And my ass hurt after the first 2 hours.  And my back?  Well, I've been taking 4 advils three times a day to quell the back pain, it wasn't so quelled today.  And, the iPod makes it really tough to focus on music - too many albums to choose from.  So, I had a long time to obsess about stuff.  And what's happening in my life right now, besides my bad back? Bad decisions with BB, of course.  I spent an inordinate amount of time thinking about BB today - more specifically, trying to decide whether I was going to "stop by" on my way home.  Seriously, every few minutes for hours on end, I flip-flopped as to whether I was going to call him or text him in the afternoon to see if he wanted to grab dinner.  And whether I would spend the night.  And whether I even wanted to spend the night.  And whether I wanted to see him today, or this weekend.  Or this month...  

The end decision after several hours of obsessing: I texted him.  I resisted the urge to text "trade you dinner for a back rub."  If we hung out, I wanted it to be his idea.  So, I told him that I was listening to the music he had given me last week (a band called Vampire Weekend.  If you haven't heard them, I highly recommend.  I listened to the whole album 4 times today) and that I was suffering on the highway.   He didn't text back, and I drove through his neighborhood hours before he got off work, and rather than hang out and make up excuses to still be in town when he was off work, I did the right thing and got my ass home, unpacked and made dinner.

I am trying SO hard to not rearrange my life to spend snippets of time with this guy; and I'm proud of myself for not doing that today, even though it was only a half-decision on my part.

He did call later though, and may have sounded a bit disappointed that I was already home...

Sunday, August 24, 2008

Phone Date

So, this is how it goes, over and over and over for me:

1.  Guy lands in my inbox.
2.  Guy is cute, with a sparkle in his eyes (for clarification, only about 1 out of 50 is cute)
3.  Guy is great on paper.  For a living he saves baby raccoons or baby humans, or defends battered women in court, or engineers bridges.  For recreation he likes to camp, or backpack, or kayak.  His philosophy on life is "Carpe Diem" and he wants to travel as much as possible.
4.  Susan starts building guy up in her head and wondering if this is the one she's been waiting for her whole life.
5.  Susan panics, because, what if he is the one?  Am I ready for that?
6.  Susan sets phone date because its too time consuming to type all the stuff she wants to tell Guy.  

And this brings us to Thursday night, when I had a phone date with eHarmony David.  The phone date is an essential part of my online dating repertoire.  I think I have mentioned this before, but living in the suburbs makes it really hard to just casually meet for coffee.  The phone date is my screening mechanism - are you worth a 45 minute drive?  Fewer than half pass the test these days (I've gotten much more discriminating, whether its because I'm busy or just tired of the whole thing I don't know).

David lost points immediately by not answering the phone when I called.  Cold calling a boy that you have never talked to before is not an easy thing to do, although I have lots of practice so it doesn't phase me nearly as much as it would phase most girls.  But to not pick up the phone when we have a vague pre-arranged time ("a little after 9")?!  I was miffed.  He called back a half an hour later, with no apologies or explanation.  Granted, since we are strangers, perhaps an explanation isn't necessary, but still...  

So, I started off the conversation a bit miffed, but it was doubled by the fact that David is a high talker!  Sigh...  In my perfect version of David, he certainly wasn't a high talker.  Perfect David would sound like Barry White, but even I can admit that is an unrealistic fantasy for a 5'8" white guy.

We talked for about an hour or so, but it wasn't the easiest conversation.  We work in similar fields, which makes it really easy to just talk about work related stuff, colleague to colleague.  Not real romantic.  Sometimes I felt like I was hitting a brick wall, which was truly frustrating.  I would say something like "I like kayaking" and rather than asking me a follow up question or sharing a story, he would say something like "you must enjoy that."  That, my friends, is a conversation stopper.  Yes.  I enjoy it.  Duh.  Now instead of telling him my funny kayaking stories, I'm wracking my brain for another line of conversation that he might be more participatory in.

I'm making it out to be worse than it actually was, but I had a really hard time not comparing it to my first phone date with BB.  Sorry, can't help it.  BB wasn't a high talker!  And he was a good talker.  When I hung up the phone with BB,  I thought to myself "I didn't really get to talk that much!  He out-talked me!"  And there are few people in this world that can match me on that particular skill.

David and I alluded to meeting and doing something in the upcoming weeks, but we both made it clear that we were pretty busy.  I think we will likely find time to meet, and because he is an outdoorsy guy, I will make an effort to meet him because if I doesn't work out romantically, it never hurts to know people who like to backpack and mountain climb and such.  I'm just not excited about it anymore.

And the eHarmony cycle of disappointment continues...

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Pink is the New Green

My friends rarely let anything slip by, and I rarely miss an opportunity to truly embarrass myself by sharing with others when they point out how ridiculous and transparent I am.

At lunch today (white spinach pizza that was so garlicky my secretary actually made me stand several feet away to talk to her afterwards), T astutely noted that my blog had suddenly changed colors.  

From green to pink.

Right after I got laid.


I've been messing with the blog colors for a while, trying to find something that said "relationships" without being pink and girly and fluffy.  Strange then, how all of a sudden, my page has become a little pink and girly and fluffy.  A psychologist, or even a color advisor, could have quite a good time with this one.  

I'd like to think that my sudden embrace of all things pink has nothing to do with the fact that I am "seeing" BB again, but maybe it does.  That worries me a bit - pink indicates optimism and hope.  Most importantly, it indicates naivete.  I am trying very hard to have neither optimism or hope about the situation.  I don't think that I am being naieve about this (I hear you snickering), but I've never really done this before, so, clearly, I have no idea what I'm talking about.  And we all know I have no idea what I'm thinking.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Booty call?

I'm a late-bloomer: I made my first booty call last night, at the ripe age of 32 and 11/12.  I'm not really a booty call kind of girl.  Frankly, I've never been horny enough to make it worth making myself seem that desperate. 

Anyway, it was really a booty text.  "Feel like having company?"  Any moron would know what that meant - naked company; snuggly company....  easy company.  Which is probably why the phone rang 0.001 seconds after I pressed send.  Of COURSE he felt like company!

It only happened because I was close to his house at a candidates' event.  It was at the Jewish Community Center.  There was an unfortunate lack of cute, single jewish men at the event, but no lack of elderly Jewish men with unfortunate ear hair, leaving me with no option but to spend the evening with BB (who doesn't lack for unfortunate hair himself).  

Its so easy.  Its so nice.  He's really worried about me, but not worried enough to put a stop to it.  I told him that I'm a big girl and know what I am doing (totally untrue).  He says he doesn't want to "date" me again, but fact is, we are.  Concert?  Dinner and a movie?  A foregone conclusion that if its after 9pm, I'm spending the night?  He can call it whatever he wants, but its more than just sex.

Which makes it even stranger that I am emailing other guys, and have a phone date with eHarmony David tomorrow. 

Monday, August 18, 2008

Not the Same

BB told me last night on the phone that "it wasn't the same" as it was before, like it surprised him that there was something slightly different about the way that we are together now.  Of course it was different!  We are no longer in a committed relationship!  I'm on eHarmony trying to charm a biologist who lives two hours away; he is still wondering why the last girl took a pass on a second date.  I can have sex with him, but holding his hand and gazing deeply into his eyes during?  Uh-uh.  Can't do it.  Those are extremely intimate acts, way more so than just the sex.

Sex with BB used to entail me giving myself to him - trusting him, knowing that he would be there tomorrow and the next day and having hope for the future.  Sex now is me taking from him.  And him taking from me.  I'm taking his companionship, his warmth, his nice bed and his Advil.  He is taking the same from me (except the Advil part.  Oh, and not the nice bed part either).  Neither of us is really giving anything anymore.  There is no reason to.  We both know that to give would be to lose.  I've already lost enough.

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Another Morning After

You knew it was going to happen.  I wanted it to happen.  He wanted it to happen.  So it happened.

I slept with BB last night.  This time with the sex.  Twice.  And a half.  It was wonderful.  I have no regrets.  I have no weird feelings.  Well, except for the fact that its been 5 months, so certain parts of my anatomy feel a bit weird.

(too much information, right?  Come on!  Its the first time I've ever blogged about having sex!)

I frustrated the hell out of him though, and rightfully so.  We hung out last night after I was done helping my dad.  We made no pretenses of trying to go out - he asked what I wanted to do and my reply was "sit on the couch and drink beer."  I knew what that really meant, and he did too, but for a while, I really thought about having a couple beers and heading home.  And told him so, several times.  It made him distressed.  Good.  

I slept like a baby.  Woke up a bunch (owing to my tiny bladder and the beers I drank), but when I was asleep, it was a deep, deep sleep.  The kind of sleep that only happens when you are being spooned by a giant hairy man.  It must have done me good because I made no protests when he woke me up at 5:30 am.  5:30!  I had to get up at 6 anyway, so, whatever.

Part of me has wondered whether I might have done it just to create some drama to blog about, but really, I don't think that's it.  I don't know why this is happening, and I really have no idea why I don't feel bad about letting it happen.  But, fact is, I know where I stand.  I know where he stands.  When it starts causing me stress, I'm going to stop.  When it starts interfering with my real life, I'm going to stop.  I'm still going to date, if the opportunity arises.  But he's not, because he simply won't have the time for the next month.  Its not a bad situation to be in really.  

I hear you judging me!  Quit it.  It spoils all my fun!

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

I scared him

I think I scared eHarmony David off.  

Perhaps he is out radio tracking peregrine falcons and is far, far away from his computer, but I suspect he is in front of his computer, actively ignoring my request to email him and thinking that I am a pushy bitch.  Either that, or he googled my town and had a mild stroke.  

Its a damn shame too.  But, then again, is it?  Do I really need to meet and like some kid who lives 2 hours away from me?  My life is complicated enough already.  I'm running every weekend between rivers, campaign events and taking care of dad.  When would I be able to fit in a little jaunt to the city for a dinner date?  I'm away from home for 4 of the next 6 weekends, but there are things a-brewing that could take that to 5 of 6.  It can't be 6 of 6, I need a damn break from all this recreating and fun.

I just can't believe its been this hard to meet one more eHarmony boy this summer.  5-10 new boys a day for a month and still nothing!  Its a colossal rip off, my friends.  A colossal, bloomin' rip-off.

Monday, August 11, 2008

eHarmony David

eHarmony David actually answered my questions!  Not only did he answer my questions, he refused to go the easy route on any one of them and instead, choose to type out an answer.  When asked about his sense of humor, he said "I laugh constantly, which is tremendously exhausting. Water aerobics helps, but it's not a cure."  It made me giggle.

So, we each sent the stupid list of "must haves/can't stands."  They were pretty similar with both of us choosing things like "I must have someone with a high energy level" and "I must have someone who will allow me space to do my own thing" and "I can't stand someone who is racist (duh!)."  

So, I got tired of the eHarmony question and answer session and cut to the chase by choosing the "fast track" option, which allows you to (gasp!) send an email to ask the person if they'd like to skip all the hubbub and just start talking.  I have probably scared him off by being too forward.  But, jeezus.  Obviously, we could have a lot to talk about, why waste my time and his time by posing stupid pointless short-answer questions?  I want long-answers. 

But I want long answers from someone who lives closer to me!  The biggest problem with eHarmony for us suburban girls is that it lets you see and briefly talk to all these great guys that you can't have unless you feel like moving your ass closer to a major metropolitan area.  There are so many interesting boys 90 minutes away from me, and I will never ever meet them because gas is $4.00 a gallon, and I'm busy, and if I'm driving 2 hours to do something, its going to be a sure thing - not meeting some guy I met on the internet.  Makes me wonder how badly I actually want to meet someone - sometimes I think its probably more fun to think about meeting someone than it is to actually do it. 

Wow, what's up, stream of consciousness!?  I clearly do not want to clean my house tonite.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

new eharmony boy

Every day, eHarmony's magical system matches me with several new losers.  Losers who live far away.  Losers who will email back and forth until it takes some actual work.  Losers who know how to read a map and figure out who geographically undesirable I am.  

So, today, I log on to depress myself further and arm myself with new material for the blog post and instead of another loser, I see a guy with blonde hair, a nice smile and a pair of binoculars around his neck.

So, for you, my dear bored friends, I am going to chronicle my eHarmony experience with this guy.  I am quite sure that it is going to go the way of all the others, but I would like to give you an idea of what its like to desperately try to date on the internet (it blows).

So here is the scoop on "David."  He is a wildlife biologist - totally right up my alley.  He's blonde, 5'8" (a bit shorter than my ideal, but let's go with it) and might have a decent body.  He had ok things to say in his profile, although with the eHarmony system you don't get to write a whole lot in your own profile - its all personality profile crap.  Sounds alright, right?  Yeah, well, David lives almost two hours away from me.

I'll give you one guess as to what's going to happen when he actually pulls out a map.

So, without geographic guidance, David contacted me, and I have "opened communication" with him.  What that means is that I answered a round of multiple choice questions that he chose from a list (no, I did not have to use a #2 pencil).  His questions were:

1.  When you are in a relationship, how much personal space do you generally need?
2.  What's your idea of adventure?
3.  How would you assess your verbal intimacy skills?
4.  Do you consider yourself physically affectionate when in a relationship?
5.  What's your philosophy on travel?

I answered to the best of my ability and sent him my multiple choice questions, which are the same for everyone.  My questions have to do with what their attitude towards work, how often they find themselves laughing, whether they like debating "issues of the day," how much free time they have and whether they consider themselves to be ambitious.  

The next round is even easier.  If he decides to not be scared off by the fact that I could just be more adventurous than he is, he will send me his "must haves/can't stands" - a list of adjectives picked from a bigger list of adjectives and I will, in return, send him my list (which basically says you need to be smart, ambitious, active and leave me the hell alone when I want you to).  Then the real work starts.  Five dollars says we never get to the actual emailing stage.  It will be too bad too, because I love me a boy with a good pair of binoculars.

Love a la carte

From the vacation file, 7/28/08

“Susan, I love you very much.”

These are words I have longed to hear for nearly eight months. Words I longed to hear for the three short months we were together. Words I have longed to hear for the four months that we have been apart.

But those words were proceded by “I have hesitated to say this because I don’t want you to think that it means more than it does. Things between us aren’t going to change. We want different things.”

I called him last night to talk about what happened last week. He didn’t pick up. I’m cut off from the outside world on vacation, so when I didn’t hear back instantaneously, I start wondering whether he has sent an email to me that I have yet to get that says “I can’t do this anymore. Have a nice life.”  I start drinking wine.

Ok, continued to drink wine.

He called back around 10:30pm, fairly late for him on a Monday night.  I made the mistake of asking him where he had been. He hesitated for a second, then said, ‘I was on a date.” Oh god. We spent the night together four nights prior and he goes out on a date!?!  So much for my belief that my “cosmic boy” is knocking on my door and wants me back.

So we talked. For a long time. I’m not sure that it wasn’t a mistake. Its clear that we can’t just be friends. Its not possible. I go to a concert with him, drink 2 beers and can’t stop myself from resting my head on his shoulder and nestling in when he puts his arm around me. He has feelings for me, whatever they are and however he wants to describe them. And, he clearly, absolutely, wants to have sex with me again.

If I was the strong, self-righteous person that I believe myself to be, I would cut him off right now. No more hanging out. No more phone calling. No more emails. Certainly, no more concerts. But I am weak. I want whatever little shred of him he can give me. Even if he is going on dates, looking for exactly what we had. That is, exactly what he had until I started falling in love with him and he broke it off.

I think its clear that we are going to hang out again. I think we both know that we will have sex. At least once.  Possibly numerous times.  I think I will cry over him at least one more time before it is truly, finally over.

Friday, August 8, 2008


This morning, I listened to NPR.

(don't you love it when someone starts a conversation like that?  Stay with me though...)

They were doing an interview with a guy who had read the 22,000 page Oxford English Dictionary and were discussing words that truly "spoke" to him.  I rolled my eyes a bit, I must admit, but I gleaned two very useful new single-girl words from this: misskissing and bedinner.

Misskissing means kissing that is "wrong."  The definition ends there.  I guess a kiss could be wrong because you are kissing your your brother, your math teacher or your ex.  Or, a kiss could be wrong just because it is just a really lousy kiss with someone you don't really like that much.  In all of my 32 single years I didn't know that there was one word that I could just use to describe that.  "How was your date, Susan?"  "Misskiss.  'Nuff said."

Bedinner means "to treat to dinner."  This is basically what dating is.  Boys bedinnering girls, hoping to get laid.  I was not bedinnered nearly enough this summer.  My grand total of two leaves something to be desired.  I would like to be bedinnered at least once more before the summer ends.  Even better if I could be bedinnered and then bebedded.

(if you are really interested, the full story can be read and heard here:

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Full Circle

I have come full-circle, folks.

I started carpooling to work.  I like to say its because I have a strong desire to reduce my carbon footprint, but if that was true, I would have been carpooling for years.  Fact is, I was spending 300 bucks a month or more on gas and it was cutting into my beer budget.

On the carpool today, the driver was talking about a guy he played tennis with a couple years ago in the town he lives in.  He looked back at me and said "its a shame I didn't know you then, he was single.  I think you would have liked him."  "Oh yeah" I said, "what was his name?"  Driver couldn't remember but started describing him...

"Post-doc at the local university."  


"In soil science."


"From Arizona."

Oh God.

I already dated him.  Two years ago.  We went out twice.  He was nice enough, and a vegetarian to boot, but I got a distinctly creepy vibe off the kid and neglected to call him when I got back from my vacation that summer. 

The take home?  People are trying to set me up with guys I have already dated.   I feel a bit like Samantha on Sex and the City when she realizes that she has slept with every guy in Manhattan and is going to have to rewind and live it all again.  I've sometimes felt like I've dated every acceptable single guy within a 30 mile radius, and now, I'm getting verification that it might be true.

Stupid carpool.