Monday, August 18, 2008

Not the Same

BB told me last night on the phone that "it wasn't the same" as it was before, like it surprised him that there was something slightly different about the way that we are together now.  Of course it was different!  We are no longer in a committed relationship!  I'm on eHarmony trying to charm a biologist who lives two hours away; he is still wondering why the last girl took a pass on a second date.  I can have sex with him, but holding his hand and gazing deeply into his eyes during?  Uh-uh.  Can't do it.  Those are extremely intimate acts, way more so than just the sex.

Sex with BB used to entail me giving myself to him - trusting him, knowing that he would be there tomorrow and the next day and having hope for the future.  Sex now is me taking from him.  And him taking from me.  I'm taking his companionship, his warmth, his nice bed and his Advil.  He is taking the same from me (except the Advil part.  Oh, and not the nice bed part either).  Neither of us is really giving anything anymore.  There is no reason to.  We both know that to give would be to lose.  I've already lost enough.

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