I was checking my email at BB's house this morning. I don't think I need to spell out why or how I ended up at his house, checking my email at 6:30 am because, let's face it, you are all pretty smart and I am pretty transparent.
I had kissed him goodbye - he looked so cute all showered, wearing his scrubs... Well, his scrub pants anyway. His belly is too large to allow him to wear scrub tops without looking semi-obscene - he goes with polo shirts. Yes, I know. "This is they guy you can't get out of your system?" " The guy whose fat, hairy belly sticks out of shirts?" Love is blind, my friends. And very, very stupid. I tried to go back to sleep, but no luck there, so I got up and played on the computer for a bit.
I had emailed eHarmony David when I returned from Boston to see if he wanted to get together. That was Tuesday night. I hadn't heard anything back, so I assumed he had lost interest. And really, I was fine with that. I'm sure we would have had a really fun time hiking or kayaking or whatnot, but there wouldn't have been any chemistry, I would be busy with school and it would end up petering out. But at 6:30 am, I had an email from him. "Glad you made it back safely...yadda....yadda...yadda...Would you like to get together this weekend, maybe for an evening paddle?" I said yes, although I waited until I was not physically in my ex-boyfriend's apartment to respond. Somehow, that makes me feel like less of a slutty ho.
I had no choice but to say yes. To say no would be to give up on new opportunities in favor of a situation that we all know is going to end badly. But this is what's causing me anxiety. Warning: Schizophrenic-girl crap coming at you... What if I really like this David guy? What if he sweeps me off my feet? Am I going to be happy, and not look back? It makes me so sad to think of not being close with BB anymore. Tragically sad. Hence the knot in my stomach. I have made it extraordinarily difficult for myself. How can I move on with another guy, when I'm still putting the moves on the old guy? When I'm unwilling to give up the old guy?
I am a friggin' mess.
Had a thought (gasp!) which scares me even more. A frequently asked eHarmony question is "Your idea of a romantic date is..." eHarmony lists four really stupid answers to choose from, so I write my own response. "A hike or paddle at sunset..." Does David's choice of evening paddle mean anything? Is he trying to be romantic? Oh god. He's going to be a nice, great guy and I'm going to want nothing to do with him.
Someone, shoot me, please. Put me out of my boy misery. Or at least tattoo a disclaimer on my head.