Friday, August 29, 2008

Date Anxiety

I feel sick.  That nauseous, anxiety feeling that I get when I am faced with a decision I don't want to be faced with has taken hold in my belly.

I was checking my email at BB's house this morning.  I don't think I need to spell out why or how I ended up at his house, checking my email at 6:30 am because, let's face it, you are all pretty smart and I am pretty transparent.

I had kissed him goodbye - he looked so cute all showered, wearing his scrubs...  Well, his scrub pants anyway.  His belly is too large to allow him to wear scrub tops without looking semi-obscene - he goes with polo shirts.  Yes, I know.  "This is they guy you can't get out of your system?" " The guy whose fat, hairy belly sticks out of shirts?"  Love is blind, my friends.  And very, very stupid.  I tried to go back to sleep, but no luck there, so I got up and played on the computer for a bit.

I had emailed eHarmony David when I returned from Boston to see if he wanted to get together.  That was Tuesday night.  I hadn't heard anything back, so I assumed he had lost interest.  And really, I was fine with that.  I'm sure we would have had a really fun time hiking or kayaking or whatnot, but there wouldn't have been any chemistry, I would be busy with school and it would end up petering out.  But at 6:30 am, I had an email from him.  "Glad you made it back safely...yadda....yadda...yadda...Would you like to get together this weekend, maybe for an evening paddle?"  I said yes, although I waited until I was not physically in my ex-boyfriend's apartment to respond.  Somehow, that makes me feel like less of a slutty ho.

I had no choice but to say yes.  To say no would be to give up on new opportunities in favor of a situation that we all know is going to end badly.  But this is what's causing me anxiety. Warning: Schizophrenic-girl crap coming at you...  What if I really like this David guy?  What if he sweeps me off my feet?  Am I going to be happy, and not look back?  It makes me so sad to think of not being close with BB anymore.  Tragically sad.  Hence the knot in my stomach.  I have made it extraordinarily difficult for myself.  How can I move on with another guy, when I'm still putting the moves on the old guy?  When I'm unwilling to give up the old guy?

I am a friggin' mess.

Had a thought (gasp!) which scares me even more.  A frequently asked eHarmony question is "Your idea of a romantic date is..."  eHarmony lists four really stupid answers to choose from, so I write my own response.  "A hike or paddle at sunset..."  Does David's choice of evening paddle mean anything?  Is he trying to be romantic?  Oh god.  He's going to be a nice, great guy and I'm going to want nothing to do with him.

Someone, shoot me, please.  Put me out of my boy misery.  Or at least tattoo a disclaimer on my head.


kristen said...

well, #1, if he is fabulous and sweeps you off of your feet then you will no longer care about a fat hairy guy who refuses to give you what you really want from him.
#2, if he is fabulous but doesnt sweep you off your feet, it means that the timing isnt right and really i dont think you are a 'soul mate' kind of girl so you know that timing is everything.
#3, this is all irrelevant because very few guys are fabulous
#4, now i know why you didnt answer my call (when i was freaking out) last night...

Elena said...

First of all, don't check eHarmony at BB's. He can totally check his history and see you were on there. I know about this move because it is how my friend from college learned her new boyfriend checks out porn every morning before he goes to work while she is still sleeping in his bed...

Secondly, don't get ahead of yourself with the new guy. Just go into it as you are meeting a new friend. If anything happens, you'll deal with it later.

And lastly, if you continue to sleep with BB, there will be no way you will be able to move on anyway. No matter how cool you think you are with being f-buddies, you really are not (unless you have a history of sexual abuse or other issues that make you numb to sex like one of my other friends).

Trust me on this one. Remember what a psycho I was about that guy Brett I was "friends" with before Kevin?

Branden and Kristi said...

I'm not judging. I'm really not. I've been here. I think everyone has and/or needs to be here. I just want to note one thing:

"When it starts causing me stress, I'm going to stop."

You wrote that in your August 16th post. Just wanted to point that out.

Unknown said...

I'll make it a murder suicide after my date cancelled on me last night. What's the all-time record for most accepted dates that fail to happen?

Susan said...

Mike: Name the time and place. We definitely need to be put out of our misery.

Kristi: Thanks for using my own words against me! And I thought you were my friend... :)

Elena: Even though he doesn't have a laptop, BB was nice enough to install wireless at his house, so I use my own computer when I am there. Besides, I don't want to find anything I don't want to on his computer either!

Kristen: You probably wouldn't have picked up the phone if you were having sex either!! :) I'm sorry I wasn't there for you in your time of freak out. I'll keep my phone on next time.

Anonymous said...

Good words.