Sunday, August 10, 2008

Love a la carte

From the vacation file, 7/28/08

“Susan, I love you very much.”

These are words I have longed to hear for nearly eight months. Words I longed to hear for the three short months we were together. Words I have longed to hear for the four months that we have been apart.

But those words were proceded by “I have hesitated to say this because I don’t want you to think that it means more than it does. Things between us aren’t going to change. We want different things.”

I called him last night to talk about what happened last week. He didn’t pick up. I’m cut off from the outside world on vacation, so when I didn’t hear back instantaneously, I start wondering whether he has sent an email to me that I have yet to get that says “I can’t do this anymore. Have a nice life.”  I start drinking wine.

Ok, continued to drink wine.

He called back around 10:30pm, fairly late for him on a Monday night.  I made the mistake of asking him where he had been. He hesitated for a second, then said, ‘I was on a date.” Oh god. We spent the night together four nights prior and he goes out on a date!?!  So much for my belief that my “cosmic boy” is knocking on my door and wants me back.

So we talked. For a long time. I’m not sure that it wasn’t a mistake. Its clear that we can’t just be friends. Its not possible. I go to a concert with him, drink 2 beers and can’t stop myself from resting my head on his shoulder and nestling in when he puts his arm around me. He has feelings for me, whatever they are and however he wants to describe them. And, he clearly, absolutely, wants to have sex with me again.

If I was the strong, self-righteous person that I believe myself to be, I would cut him off right now. No more hanging out. No more phone calling. No more emails. Certainly, no more concerts. But I am weak. I want whatever little shred of him he can give me. Even if he is going on dates, looking for exactly what we had. That is, exactly what he had until I started falling in love with him and he broke it off.

I think its clear that we are going to hang out again. I think we both know that we will have sex. At least once.  Possibly numerous times.  I think I will cry over him at least one more time before it is truly, finally over.


Katy said...

So apparently I go on vacation and miss A LOT. Happy hour needed immediately.

Katy said...

So apparently I go on vacation and miss A LOT. Happy hour needed immediately.