Friday, September 12, 2008

eHarmony lies

My eHarmony subscription ran out on September 3, but that persistent little website and its evil puppetmaster Neil Clark Warren continue to taunt me and my single-ness by sending me daily emails.  Sometimes twice.  Boys kept winding up in my inbox, but since I haven't re-upped, I can't see their pictures.  Not like I would have been interested anyway - not one of them lived less than an hour away from me.  But much more amusing than the boys are the helpful newsletter emails and encouragement emails.

This one made me laugh and snort, so I absolutely had to share it with you....

It's all worth it when you find true love 

Dear Susan, 

We know that getting to know your matches and finding the right person takes time. 
Those couples you've seen on TV... 
Many of the real eHarmony couples you've seen in our commercials have also let their membership's lapse. But they all returned later and found the special person they had been looking for all along. 
Susan, we urge you to be patient, consider all your matches, and stay positive. When you finally find the right connection, it's so worth it!  Rejoin today with our 3-month plan. This will give you the time you deserve to find your special someone and you'll save 33% off our regular 1-month rate. Use promo code: EHWYB8U. 

Warmly, 
eHarmony Customer Care 

Did you read it carefully?  If you did, you should be thinking to yourself right now "what the F*$#!!".  eHarmony has been lying to us for years!  On TV!  And we all know that what we see on TV is truth!  Those bastards!  Oh you evil Dr. Warren!!

See, I had always believed that those happy couples in the eHarmony commercials were like, um, married or something. Silly Susan!!  Turns out, they might have just still in the blissful phase that all relationships start with... "You like puppies?!  I like puppies!  We are SO meant for eachother! Let's snuggle and frolic for the cameraman!"  I wonder how many of the featured eHarmony couples really are still together?  Probably very, very few.  

Of course, they could just have an absolutely terrible editor because the sentence structure of that email left a bit to be desired.  I prefer my read though - its much more fun.


4 comments:

kristen said...

huh? what part of their email makes you think that? what am i missing???

griffin said...

Yup. They are all crazy. I was always very suspicious about the whole thing, but that email is desperate and manipulative, so now I know. Poor recipients who receive it, lonely and searching, probably sit at their computers and daydream of the faceless occupiers of their inbox and imagine either Patrick Swayze-types or Scarlett Johanesson-types, the rest is history. They are lured back in because of their fear. It's like not leaving your house because you might miss a phonecall. Good blog. The magazine I work for wrote some stuff on eharmony rejection. You'd like it. inurmagazine.com, go to the archive, click on the first issue, "Having it all" and you will see the article on the index page. It's an online magazine. Anyways, good stuff. Keep doing what you're doing.

Karen said...

Aye, I have heard some pretty bad horror stories coming from that camp, but at the same time I have heard some really good success stories. I guess it is all the luck of the draw....

Anonymous said...

I joined eharmony a month ago. I've gotten dozens of matches, all of them out of state (yes I have 30 miles away only) and all of them over 60 (I just turned 56). Most of them I have closed because of age, distance, or just plain weird profiles)

I did correspond with one person, who sounded interesting. He phoned several times, emailed several times, posted a very nice picture and claimed to like most of the things that I did.

We met at an open air mall is a very eclectic little town in my state. He was 20 years older than his picture, looked 9 months pregnant (although he said he worked out) and was boring, boring, boring. I felt like I was out with my grandfather. I don't think I could walk that slow ever again.

1 day later he wrote me an email asking me how I was and telling me about his day.

Later that evening I closed that match because we were already corresponding and because I knew there was no chemistry between us. The next morning I was writing him a nice note thanking him for taking the time to meet me but explaining that I didn't feel we had the right chemistry between us and that our time would be better spent pursuing someone who more closely matched our interests.

Before I could hit send, I got a very nasty email from him stating that I beat him at closing the match that he felt no chemistry with me whatsoever and was glad he would never have to see me again. Good Riddance! was his closing remark, and then he stated that I pissed him off by not thanking him for lunch. Senile old fart, I thanked him as we were leaving the restaurant.

Needless to say, I don't want to participate in a dating service where you can post a picture that you don't even remotely resemble and then can get your rocks off by dumping on the person because they didn't fall all over you old, fat, butt. Geez