Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Beer, its what's for dinner

Tonight, I am drinking my dinner.  Three Magic Hat #9's.  Last night, I drank my dinner too.  A half a bottle of Gnarley Head Red Zin.  And I even went to the store tonight with the best intentions of making something that resembled food.  Ha!  What a waste of veggie taco fixings.

I started therapy today.  The kind of therapy that is supposed to result in me not drinking my dinner anymore.  I don't think its working - perhaps it will take more than one session.  

Its amazing what a perfect stranger can surmise about your personality in 45 minutes.  She looked surprised when I said that I never wanted to have kids.  "But you would make a great mother."  How the hell would she know I would make a great mother?  She had been talking to me for 15 minutes!  Clearly, she has never heard my inner thoughts when I'm in the grocery store and there is a whiny bratty 8 year old in line in front of me.

I outlined the things that had been giving me some trouble recently:  BB, my father, and boredom.  We made some goals.  She told me that I was "too nice."  Seriously lady?  Have you met me?!  But, she's right.  I may be a snarky bitch, but damn, I'll rearrange my life for people who don't deserve it.  Yes, that's right.  People.  Apparently, BB is not the only one that I'm too nice to.

She also told me that I have a low self-esteem.

No, no.  I'll wait for you to stop laughing.

Are you done yet?  

Ok.  I'm going to keep going.  Get a hold of yourself.

I wonder if one can simultaneously have an enormous ego and low self-esteem?  This is a question I'm going to pose to her next time.  Because, and we all know this, my ego is out of control.  Even when I hurt, my ego is still pretty friggin huge.

Regardless, I am really glad that I am taking this step.  I'm ready for it.  I'm ready to make some changes and stick up for myself a little bit more.

9 comments:

Elena said...

"Low self esteem" is another way to say that you don't think you deserve any better (than the crap BB is putting you through). Not to blame our parents, but I'm pretty sure this is what happens when our fathers mess up our heads growing up.

And to answer your question, yes, you have mastered the delicate balance of "huge ego" in your professional life and "low self esteem" in your private life. To be quite honest, I'm sure it's a lot more common than you may think...

Katy said...

You are being too nice to BB and one could say that you are being too nice to some of your family members right now. Being snarky doesn't mean that you're not nice. You deserve better than BB and if it were one of us, you'd be all over our butts about why we were letting some (and I quote) "douchebag" jerk us around.

And p.s. you wouldn't make a terrible mother, but that still doesn't mean you necessarily should want to have kids.

And p.p.s. one session doesn't mean shit.

kristen said...

s, this woman actually sounds like she's pretty dead on... the choice you have to make is if you are willing to recognize it.

uh huh - i've always said that i'm the oddest combination of egotistical and insecure that could ever exist...
I've come to describe my problem is a lack of faith in others - i KNOW i'm awesome (ego) but dont think others are smart enough to realize it (insecure)...


oh, and think about how you take care of other people - of course she'd say that you'd make a good mom... but as katy said, that doesnt mean that you SHOULD have kids...

toddbg said...

I'm going to pop in here and say I agree.

Seems pretty dead on for a first session - in as much as your personality as it comes across on the blog.

You seem to have an amazing capacity to give and to care about others (mothering qualities - nevermind the inner voices wanting to decapitate the whiney 8 year old (and I am a parent btw - so I know)).

And yes you have the Ego, you know you are damn cool and professionally you are secure. Personally though it seems as though you don't respect yourself. The situation with BB seems to scream that (thats the insecurity, that you are not respecting yourself so it seems as though you think you dont deserve better).

anyway - my two cents.

Susan said...

I think I'm going to hate therapy. I really don't like admitting that I'm not perfect.

Elusive Butterfly said...

I read online today about a woman who gave a ton of money to a man she met on an online dating site. But get this. He was in Nigeria. That's right, Africa! I thought to myself, "is she stupid??!" A split second later I realized that I am not the one to judge women who have crappy taste in men. It is so easy to stand on the outside looking in and point out all of the problems but how the heck do you go about fixing them? I'm so impressed that you're doing the therapy thing. Because right now, alls I gots is my blog. It's cheap but I'm not sure how reliable it is.

kristen said...

its actually really fun to admit how not perfect you are - because as soon as you do it, you no longer have to keep trying to be so perfect... which means you get to make mistakes and fuck everything up if you want and can just blow it off with 'eh, i'm not perfect...'

however, you should strive for perfection in answering your phone when i call. sheesh.

Jean said...

I think everyone should see a therapist at some point in their life - it sounds like yours is pretty intuitive...and I completely agree with all the posts about low self-esteem, because you do deserve better.

As far as admitting that you are not perfect, I can relate - I'm so neurotic that I always try to be the perfect patient. I've got issues, I know.

DocJohn said...

You've taken a big, important first step, and you should give yourself a lot of credit for making that leap. Many people can't do even that...

Good therapy isn't easy, but it's usually helpful to most people who try it. Especially if you're willing to put the work into it and be more open about your life than at any previous time -- not only to your therapist, but also to yourself.

Kudos for starting and we'll see how it goes... one step at a time. I think a lot of people's comments to this post are right on target. You may be surprised at some of the things you end up discovering about yourself!