Monday, February 9, 2009

Spiral of Self PIty

Remember all those funny, lighthearted posts from the last week? Homeless ladies? Vibrating lions? Plastic mirrors that love you back? They might lead you, or even me, into thinking that things are just peachy here in cynic-ville.

Things are not peachy.

Unless the peaches are moldy. Covered with blue and grey fuzz. Semi-putrid. Making a circle of ick on the counter.

I curled up and cried for an hour with Racky the Raccoon tonight. Racky is the perfect size for hugging and crying. He's been my crying companion since 1983. I spent several minutes calming myself down by inhaling the smell of him: chemicals that were still legal in China 25 years ago and decades of tears. Sad that he still lives in my master bedroom. You know I'm 33, right? I probably shouldn't need to keep a stuffed raccoon and my blanky that close by (oh yeah. Blanky got some action too).

My crying fit was triggered by a 9 minute BB conversation that just illustrated that I am deluding myself. Either that or he is intentionally pushing me away, while simultaneously trying to draw me in. But, that in and of itself should not have caused that reaction. I expect that crap from him.

I am genuinely sad right now. Sad enough that on Saturday night, at a dinner party with some of my favorite people in the world, tears started leaking out of my eyes. I'm feeling left behind. And alone. Very, very alone. I got it together, but lost it a bit on the drive home. Life has been stressful, and repetitive. And the stress is stressing me out. And the repetition is stressing me out. And the lonely is stressing me out. I'm sure the full moon is stressing me out too.

The Bachelor is stressing me out too, but I'm too sad to rant and rave about it right now.


Ms Behaviour said...

Some strangers came over this afternoon to decide if they wanted to live in my apartment. Before I left for work, I actually looked around my place at all the stuffed toys I can't seem to part with. I debated taking Bunny out of bed but I just couldn't do it. So there he sits, front and centre in between all the throw pillows, including the one that says "Pillow talk is optional". Crazy 31 year old catless cat woman with stuffed animals and no man. Yup, that's me.

As for BB.... if I can slowly and painfully move on from Grey, so can you. Just take your time and allow it to run it's natural course. Eventually you'll get there too and you'll be stronger and saner for having gone easier on yourself.

kristen said...

dude, crying fits are NO reason to ignore my calls!

my calls are much more fun. or, at least a little more fun?

i'll be home after 930 or so tonight - call me...

oh, and we dont call him 'dr dick' for nothing...

Katy said...

You can't cry! We love you! Did you notice on Sat night that we were sitting watching boys play video games? Not exactly high on the social fun list. I know that you're still not ready to let go of BB, but seriously, I don't think that you'll be open to finding anything new and much more fulfilling until he is out, way out of the picture. I know that you're a big girl, and we've all told you this a million times. Trust that we're all really rooting for you to find someone amazing, and we all know for numerous reasons why BB is NOT him. There are plenty of furry guys out there needing a good woman to comb their back hair.