Remember all those funny, lighthearted posts from the last week? Homeless ladies? Vibrating lions? Plastic mirrors that love you back? They might lead you, or even me, into thinking that things are just peachy here in cynic-ville.
Things are not peachy.
Unless the peaches are moldy. Covered with blue and grey fuzz. Semi-putrid. Making a circle of ick on the counter.
I curled up and cried for an hour with Racky the Raccoon tonight. Racky is the perfect size for hugging and crying. He's been my crying companion since 1983. I spent several minutes calming myself down by inhaling the smell of him: chemicals that were still legal in China 25 years ago and decades of tears. Sad that he still lives in my master bedroom. You know I'm 33, right? I probably shouldn't need to keep a stuffed raccoon and my blanky that close by (oh yeah. Blanky got some action too).
My crying fit was triggered by a 9 minute BB conversation that just illustrated that I am deluding myself. Either that or he is intentionally pushing me away, while simultaneously trying to draw me in. But, that in and of itself should not have caused that reaction. I expect that crap from him.
I am genuinely sad right now. Sad enough that on Saturday night, at a dinner party with some of my favorite people in the world, tears started leaking out of my eyes. I'm feeling left behind. And alone. Very, very alone. I got it together, but lost it a bit on the drive home. Life has been stressful, and repetitive. And the stress is stressing me out. And the repetition is stressing me out. And the lonely is stressing me out. I'm sure the full moon is stressing me out too.
The Bachelor is stressing me out too, but I'm too sad to rant and rave about it right now.