I took an hour time-out last night to watch Scrubs (not as good as I had hoped) and to eat my Trader Joe's Carrot Ginger Soup and big crusty baguette after a ridiculous and frustrating day at work. Soup and baguette were accompanied by a large glass of red wine. Duh.
Mid soup slurp, I saw a Hallmark commercial that made me giggle: Purrcy the Huggable Lion. Purrcy appears to be a red, furry vibrator. Seriously. View the demo on the hallmark website. Press purrcy's paw (or G-spot. Whatever you want to call it) and it shakes and makes sort of a pornographic purring sound.
"Happy Valentine's Day grandma! I know you've been lonely since grandpa died. Maybe Purr-cy can help you out!"
Mere minutes after Purrcy violated my tv screen, a commercial for the local news suckered me in with this litter teaser "Is this Elmo toy too dirty for children? Find out at 10." Oh my god. Let me get more wine.
Apparently, this innocent looking little Elmo phone counts "4-5-6..." But one litigation crazy set of parents thinks its saying "Let's Have Sex!" With a large glass of wine in me and a vivid imagination, I could sorta hear it, but let's get real people. Elmo has a serious speech impediment. He didn't mean to come on to your 2 year old.
And that brings me to my final orgasmic toy for children: the talking Beauty and the Beast mirror from the early 90's. What? You don't remember it? I do. My roommate and I would stalk the toy department at any store we were in just so we could press the button and hear the Beast almost breathlessly whisper in his deep voice "I love you..." The voice made my knees go weak. Never before, and certainly never since, have I had quite that reaction when anyone has said those words to me.
Wow. Maybe we've finally figured out what my real problem is. I'm in love with a plastic mirror that talks.