I had a good discussion with the therapist yesterday. Her dogs were there again, but I avoided getting near them and emerged from the office dog-vomit free.
I doubt that I'm going to go back to her. She didn't prod too deep, or tell me anything that any of my smart friends (or blog readers) haven't already pointed out. Really, it was like having a conversation with a friend, except I had to explain all the background stuff. And pay her. Kinda silly, really, when my friends will listen to me for free.
We talked about how I'm afraid of making decisions and how I'm afraid of commitment, which really when you think about it are pretty much the same thing. Of course I don't want to make big decisions that could change my life - I've got it pretty good right now. Making a decision to change something major could ruin everything. This is why I haven't moved, changed jobs or bought a new car. Christ - its the same reason I haven't bought a new cell phone! Every time I walk into the Verizon store I am siezed with fear of picking out a phone that I will later regret. God forbid I spend 50 bucks on a phone and not like it.
Now, turn the Verizon store into Match.com. Same core problem, except that instead of 5 options, internet dating gives you gives you thousands. Every shape, age, color and personality are all right there, waiting for you to choose them. I get panicky when there are more than 2 things on a menu to pick from. Now, give me a menu with 900 men. Panic times a million. If I pick this one, I'll miss out on that one. If I pick this one that lives an hour away now, I might miss out on dating one just as good, but geographically closer. I've gotten more and more resigned to the fact that to date someone interesting and smart, its likely going to be a more long-distance thing, but do I want to sign myself up for that?
Everywhere around me is reinforcement of why I don't want to be in a relationship. Wife Swap and the Nanny don't help. Holy hell. I would rather be single for the rest of my life than have half the aggravation (and bad habits) those people have. Therapist talked about how older women frequently bloom when their husbands die. Or when they divorce. Yup - cuz the poor women is no longer constantly disappointed by her man and doesn't have to clean up after him any more.
Really good relationships, where both people bloom in each other's company, are few and far between, and even those aren't perfect. I have little faith that I could ever be part of a healthy couple and be truly satisfied. But the lonely is making me yearn for a relationship. And the practical is keeping me from getting out there and trying to make it happen.