I was playing around on Facebook. BB never had a Facebook account and for just one second I wondered if he had finally resigned himself to the Facebook revolution like the rest of us. Not expecting that he had, I looked him up. Press Enter. Instant BB.
He just appeared out of nowhere! Right there on my screen. Smiling, in this tiny thumbnail sized picture that I couldn't enlarge without "friending" him. And while I am most certainly insane, even I know that friending BB is not really an option.
I felt like he could see me looking at him. My heart started pounding, and I instantly felt sick. Its a new picture; he's wearing a new shirt and a tie. Where was it taken? Who took it? Why? He looks uncomfortable - like someone said "You look so nice with your fancy shirt and your tie, let me take a picture..."
Its truly amazing what one picture can tell you. He's bought a new shirt. He got a haircut. He got dressed up for something; I think it might have been one of the annual hospital parties that happens around this time every year (I went last year. Nothing is lamer than a bunch of residents trying to get their party on). He was alone - very obviously nobody was cropped out of the photo. Imagine the conniptions I would be having if someone was cropped out...
Good lord, why did I do that? It just confirms that BB is still here, walking the earth and living. I feel like ex's should just disappear forever. You don't love me? Ok. Poof! See ya. Come back in 20 years when I am totally over you. But no, now they are on Facebook! Flaunting their existence and the fact that life is going on without you! That parties are happening! That leaving the house is happening! That hairs are being cut, and beards are being trimmed!
I was just going to write a snarky comment about his back hair needing to be trimmed too. But folks, get ready to feel really, really sad for me... Thinking about his back hair made me miss him more than I have in a long time. Not because of the back hair, obviously, but everything that was associated with it - the naked, the spooning, the snuggling, the late night talks, the back scratches...
Crap. I thought blogging about my little Facebook experience was going to help. I think its actually made it worse.
The only good that comes out of this is the mild feeling of smug satisfaction that I am having right now. BB once said something like "Facebook is stupid! Why would you waste your time there? Anybody I want to talk to, I talk to!" (p.s. I also said similar things, but we aren't talking about me now, are we?) Now, he's there. Let's hope he was driven to it by the big hole I left in his life. Yeah. I like that theory.