Tuesday, March 17, 2009

A stands for Anxiety

What on earth is happening to me?

I seriously used to have my shit together.  I was confident.  Egotistical.  Obnoxious.  Fun to be around.  Happy.

Remember Happy?

Perhaps you don't remember Happy.  I think Happy was pre-blog.  

So, I'm sitting here "studying" for an exam.  Taking sit-down exams when you are 33 years old is about ridiculous, but so be it.  All the little 22 year olds in my class are having fits about it, which is causing me to have fits.  Its not hard stuff.  I know how to do it.  Yet, I'm sitting here reviewing it, taking notes, re-doing problems...

And I have this knot of anxiety in my stomach.  But it doesn't have anything to do with my ability to calculate the future value of an investment made today at 6% interest compounded quarterly.  Its BB anxiety.  What the hell?  I'm sitting here calculating interest payments, I notice the anxiety, I look up for a second and BB just hits me like a brick.  

I haven't talked to him.  I haven't emailed him.  I haven't stalked him or his Amazon.com account.  I haven't been reading old emails.  I haven't been listening to music he gave me.  Its been over a month and a half since we've been intimate, so what the hell is happening to me?

A knot of anxiety?  Over someone I've not spoken with in almost 4 weeks?  I think I still miss him.  Someone come put me out of my misery.

(P.S. I was going to bail on my next therapy appointment with the dog lady, but after this little episode, dog puke or no, I think I'd better go)


Ms Behaviour said...

Insist that she leaves the dogs outside. Tell her you have allergies. Sometimes the missing just hits me too. It's worse that way than pining over him because it blindsides you and there's no way to prepare for it :( Also, school sucks ass.

erin said...

I missed my ex for almost two years. (We were together a reeeeally long time.) I kept trying to hurry myself through the breakup feelings, but they were having none of it. I sort of wish I'd talked to someone about it, maybe the process would have gone a little bit faster. Then again, maybe not? Sometimes these things just have to run their course, I guess. But know you are not alone and you WILL feel happy again! Hang in there.