Tuesday, April 28, 2009


7 unread emails.

19 winks.


Infinite disappointment.

I paid for a Match.com subscription tonight.  My profile went live when I got back from Mexico.  I had worked on it prior to that a little bit.  The old profile was from my younger, more optimistic days.  The text was upbeat and perky.  I don't really feel upbeat and perky anymore, so I changed it.  Its still positive, just more grown up than "I love my job, I love my kayak and I love beer!"

Seriously.  That was my opening line when I first got into match, five or six years ago.  A lot of boys really responded to that.  One with a marriage proposal in his first email (he was handsomely rewarded by sloppy drunk sex on the first date).  Sad how times change.  My job is dragging me down (and and impending pay cut!), my kayak is out to permanently disfigure me, and beer gives me headaches.  Whoo-hoo!!  Come on boys!  You know you want to date me!

I must admit, I was slightly excited when I paid for my membership so that I could finally see who had emailed me.  Maybe there would be a good one.  Or even two good ones!  A cute, active boy who lives close by, who can make me like boys again...  

Yeah.  That didn't happen.  At all.

Of the seven emails I received, one was from a guy I had emailed with way back in the day and it faded.  He's a professor at the university, and while pudgy and balding, has good taste in music.  Because he is convenient, I may give him a chance.  The others?  Uh-uh.  No way.

Here is complete text from an email from Tim, who was posing in front of a restored circa 1970's Chevy truck:  "Hello girl my name is Tim and I like your profile and would love to learn more about you so is there a time I could IM you on match to chat.Talk to you soon"

Then, there was this one: "new to this sort of thing u look beautiful."  Wow.  Thanks.  I'm flattered.

Then there was the guy who looked like Jack Black's evil twin, whose email included the numbers 666.  

Let's discuss how I could have better spent $68.97... 

1.  A kick-ass wedding shower gift for Elena
2. A new door frame (mine broke today, leaving my screen door hanging off the hinge) 
3. A new life vest
4. New cute sandals for summer
5. 8 bottles of wine from Costco
6. A new wheel cover for the beetle (lost another one!  again!)
7. 4 cases of Yeungling
You get the point.  


i like cheese said...

I just spent $75 on my Match 3-month renewal...after swearing up and down that I wouldn't. So far I have gotten: about 100 dudes with no pictures...17 unanswered emails from the slightly more normal dudes on the site...and one email from a guy who I actually met in a bar a couple months ago and screwed his brains out. Yea. I'm not sure what I'm looking for...but that $75 bucks could have been better spent elsewhere, I imagine.

erin said...

You are too funny. But please know that I'm laughing WITH you and not at you... I know the Match.com pain ALL TOO WELL. Yeesh.

Elena said...

Oh, come on, you can still get me a kick ass wedding shower gift (don't let a silly thing like losing 8% of your salary get in the way) and maybe that $68 will get you a cute date for the wedding :) Although, I'm still going to make you dance with Alex...