Monday, May 18, 2009

Expectations

The professor and I have been exchanging lots of emails, and have had several lengthy gchat sessions.  I never knew that you could waste so much time, essentially emailing someone real time.  At work. We agreed not to do it anymore, but I don't know how long that will really last.

Yesterday, over gchat, we made plans to go out again.  Tomorrow night.  He has a class, I have a meeting - so we will meet afterwards and grab a few drinks.  I'm really looking forward to it. But in some ways, I'm not.  I've already placed all these expectations on the situation.  Not on purpose, of course, but my mind wanders into the future.  Then, if it doesn't flow as well tomorrow and he doesn't fall instantly, madly in love with me (which I'm sure he already has), I'll be disappointed.

I need to not overthink this; but its really difficult.  Its been over year since I've connected with someone and felt so at ease with them.  I know full well that this guy isn't perfect, but I don't know yet what those imperfections are.  And whether I could live with them.  Its too early to worry about those things; but it doesn't stop me from thinking about them.

And, already, I feel as if I'm already pushing him away.  I'm extra edgy; extra cynical; extra sarcastic - I tend to be like that when I meet new people, but I'm really turning it on this time.  

(For some reason, I think that a sharp, acrid personality will make people like me.  I know this to be completely untrue, but I still act that way.  Its almost like in college, when Prex poured beer on my car late one night, so I would stay and hang out with him and his drunk-ass friends. Why would he think that pissing me off would make me want to spend time with him? Yet, this seems to be the same logic I am clinging to, except, I'm not drunk.  Or 22 years old.)

Good lord.  Someone should really do men a favor and just take me out of the dating pool. Permanently.

4 comments:

Elena said...

Go running, take some B vitamins and practice listening and smiling. Don't be an ass; it's okay to like someone and show it....

trish said...

i'll be the broken record here- why don't you try checking out a new therapist? i know you are super busy; dating, kayaking, winning awards, etc., but you still have time for self destructive attitudes and behaviors... you know that you sometimes act obnoxious to push people away (or test them). therapy can help you work out the root of the issue and be comfortable being yourself instead of an amped up, agressive version of the love show. just a thought. personally, i like your acrid personality. but then, i'm not trying to date you.

Elusive Butterfly said...

I am so with you on this. I think... I am almost positive but not sure... I think that I learned this behaviour from my mother. Follow closely or you'll lose the "logic".

You're not worth of love. Therefore, anyone who shows you love (or some semblance of approval) must be an idiot. And they should be pushed away as quickly and violently as possible in order that you not get too attached and they not figure out your deepest darkest secrets.

Okay, I know I'm projecting here and I'm not suggesting that you share my ridiculous neuroses. I'm just letting you in on my crazy which will hopefully help you shed some light on how you might be able to avoid your crazy this time around.

Good luck on date #2!

shannon said...

Take a deep breath. Let it out. Ok... In with the good... Out with the bad. Do that 10 zillion times. Then tell yourself this "it's just a date." There are a whole lot of ways you can let him screw this one up... leave it to him. :)

And in my experience, men like acrid personalities. The more you pick on them, the happier they are. That whole pulling their ponytails... totally works.

So relax. If you want to worry about something, think about falling out of the shredder. :D

hehehehehe

That will be $145 dollars... did you bring your insurance card?