I'd like to say I've come a long way in the past year, but really, I haven't. This spring pretty much mirrored last spring in a Bill Murray/Groundhog Day kind of way. Last May, I was still a total mess over BB: randomly crying for no reason; prone to panic attacks for no reason; feeling like I'd lost something all the time (what am I missing? Oh yeah! The boy that I love). This May, I'm harvesting asparagus from the garden, smiling, singing in the car, working out (sometimes), rolling my kayak, and making plans. And, most importantly, I'm terrorizing new and unsuspecting young men on first dates.
But there was still crying, panic, loss and recovery this year. It just happened in March and April. And January. And February...
In my first blog post, I talked about this new feeling of wanting to be in a committed relationship. Yeah, not so much. I'm more gun-shy of that now than ever before. I'm more super-critical of relationships and perceived gender roles than ever before. I think boys are more stupid than ever before (wonder why?).
And just when I need them the most, my friends Beer and Wine, even in limited quantity, are causing me more hangovers than ever before. Damn you, aging liver!
So, what hasn't changed in the last year? I'm still single. I'm still a bit bitter. I'm still cynical. My family still has issues. I've got the same car, house, job, cell phone, pets, grill and can of garbanzo beans (seriously. Its a really big can and I haven't felt like making that much hummus).
What has changed? I'm more appreciative of the benefits that come with being single for the long-term. I'm saying "yes" more often. I'm realizing the real importance of working towards goals. I can roll my kayak. My emotional scars are fading...
But I'm not where I wanted to be according to year-ago-me. And I'm not where I want to be according to right-now-me.
Actually, right-now-me has no idea where she really wants to be, so maybe I'm already there.