Thursday, June 18, 2009

Time for a Pity Party

My boss has always had horns and a forked tail. We all know it and laugh about it. And for 10 years, I've pretty much escaped the brunt of it. And for the past 5 years, he really hasn't been that bad.

Until this week.

I don't know what the hell happened, but his eyes turned yellow, the horns grew, and a little fire pit developed at his feet. All of a sudden, things he's been ignoring for months are critically important, and its my fault they aren't done. He's lashing out at people and acting like a total prick in meetings. But, these things are fine. I can deal, and laugh it off.

But, he pushed it too far today. By suggesting that he wanted to move my office. And I'm in a total fit.

I've had an office with a window and a door for almost ten years. It was a lucky accident when I started that the only computer available was in there and he was too lazy to find any other space. It was supposed to be "temporary" but due to his inability to make a decision, became permanent. I didn't deserve that office then, but I sure as hell deserve it now. And I don't take it for granted. At all. But now, he thinks that it would be good for the office if I were to move out, and move into a shared office. An office that would be stared with a brand new intern.

No. You don't share an office with an intern. Particularly when you will be supervising that intern. Its demoralizing to even suggest it; and that combined with the pay cut we will be taking in just two weeks was enough to really make me think about my career options. And weapons training.

So, I wanted to kill someone. I have a knot of anxiety in my stomach. I can't eat. I'm going to deal with it, and I expect that I will win, but it doesn't make it any easier.

Nor does having someone to share my misery with.

Prof was very sympathetic this afternoon and expressed just the right amount of outrage about the situation in a rapid-fire email exchange. But, I felt lame for even talking about it. Felt silly for sharing it. Felt vulnerable because I was looking for his support.

I'm pretty good at handling things by myself and have become accustomed to not talking about problems with anyone. Particularly work problems. Who the hell wants to hear this shit? Whine, Whine, office space. Whine, whine, my boss is a prick. Duh. Everyone deals with stuff like this. And I have too. But it feels more tragic when I share it with someone. And that, I don't like.


Ms Behaviour said...

Wow, I think I have finally met a woman whose balls are bigger than mine! Where have you been all my life? I totally respect you for the way you are feeling right now. I don't ask for help from anyone and I have a really hard time accepting it when offered, even when I know I can use it. I think this is a strength but I have been told it is a major character flaw. I'm so glad to finally meet a woman who gets it.

erin said...

I don't like asking for help, either. But I have discovered that doing research and asking for opinions is a great way to come up with a couple of options for action (action that I then take on my own). Sounds like your boss is taking something out on you... my guess is either something in his personal life or he got dissed by someone higher up at work. That seems to be when the douchiest bosses go over the edge.

Sorry you have to deal with it, him wanting to take your office seems like a purposeful, personal blow. Maybe he can tell you're happy in your personal life and he's jealous in an enraged sort of way. What a douche. And don't be afraid to get some opinions on handling the situation... then pick the best one (which might be yours anyway) and kick his ass.

Unknown said...

Kudos to you for reaching out to him!! As a queen of self-sufficiency I don't ask for help as a rule, and I don't discuss my "problems" anymore until I've dealt with them - even when I was severely postpartum no one knew until long afterwards - definitley NOT healthy. My motto is "Don't be nice to me" - when people know you're going through something, their attitude changes, and I don't handle pity well. But I agree with EB - I've always thought of it as a strength, but I suspect I take it a little too far.

But on another note - you have to keep your office!! Where else will we chat when I come down to audit??

trish said...

keeping problems to yourself is not a strength. this is why stoic men get all agressive and strange and do things that drive women crazy. as a reformed 'tough girl', i actually find that it is more difficult sometimes emotionally to make the effort to communicate in relationships. so really i think it takes more 'strength' to share (and be vulnerable sometimes)than to hide your feelings. also, i agree, your boss is a douche.