Wednesday, July 15, 2009

My momma is crazier than your momma

There are reasons that I am a bit screwed up in the head: phthalates from my nalgene bottle; mercury in my food; tv leading me to believe that the Keatons could actually exist somewhere...
But nothing beats my crazy momma.

I love her, don't get me wrong. And she is the reason I am strong-willed and independent and know how to change a tire, fix a water heater and put in new floors.

But love her or no, she crossed the line on Sunday. And Prof got a glance of the very particular brand of crazy that I'm likely to become someday...

Sunday, Prof and I planned to laze around for a while before he got to work on some papers, and I took care of my ailing father. But at 9am, my cell phone started ringing.

Its a new Verizon phone. I thought it would be amusing to choose Whisting Wizard as my ring tone. Wrong, wrong, wrong.

The wizard whistles his little tune. I ignore it - besides, the phone is downstairs. Two seconds later, the wizard is whistling again. This is how I know its her - no message, just several calls in a row to annoy the shit out of me so I will pick up the phone. I wasn't playing her game and I continued to ignore it.

Half an hour later, the wizard whistles again. Twice. Ignore.

About an hour later, the wizard is at it again. Now I'm worried. These insistent calls usually mean that someone is dying, and given that both my dad and grandma are on the brink, I decided it might be time to pick up the phone.

Noone is dying, but mom has kindly made some food for my dad and she wants to drop it off to me so I can take it over to him. (My parents are divorced, but my mom feels sorry for him. And for me. So she helps out. Kinda funny/ironic though, that she often makes chicken for both her dying dog and my dad at the same time. I think its mostly for the dog.) I have no idea why this food deal has to be so complicated or why she needed to call me six times about it, but I agree to meet her in about an hour at the local dunkin donuts to pick it up. Then I proceed to have a lovely, leisurely breakfast with Prof on the back deck.

And miss her calls to arrange the Great Sunday Morning Dunkin Donuts Chicken Salad Swap of 2009.

All twelve of them.

When I realize I've missed her calls, I call her and apologize. And she is pissed. You know why?

Because she has been driving around Prof's neighborhood LOOKING FOR MY CAR SO SHE COULD FIND ME!

Except she was in the wrong neighborhood. She was wandering around the neighborhood next to Prof's. Small favors...

Seriously people. Is a bowl of chicken salad really worth the 30 minutes worth of stalking your daughter and her new boyfriend? Holy crap. Its truly disturbing. More so because I could turn into that someday.

The final call tally for the day? Are you ready?

Twenty-one. 21! Twenty-one phone calls within a 12 hour period. For chicken salad.

You should see what happens when something important is going on.


kristen said...

really? you cant see CL's attempt to scout out the newboy for what it is? chicken salad was just a convenient excuse to scope the prof out and make sure he wasnt a serial killer...

Ms Behaviour said...

You know, I read the title and thought, "her momma can't possibly beat my momma". But she did. Your crazy momma kicked my crazy momma's ass. Granted, my momma now lives on the other side of the planet so, because she can't stalk me, she never calls. Ever. No calls. I think I have spoken to her once in 6 months. My dad calls every Sunday night. They live together. Crazy. But your momma is actually crazier. I find that strangely comforting.

Katy said...

At 21 calls, I called my lawyer to see about a restraining order for a certain someone....

Your mom just wants to make sure that YOU are not crazy and making up Prof. :)