I didn't really know how to answer. Not because I wasn't willing to share my feelings on that particular matter, but because I no longer know what the answer is. If you had asked me that question in December, I would have unequivocally said "Yes. I love BB more than the sun, the stars, chocolate, coffee and beer. Combined." But, I'm not so sure that was really the case.
I thought that because I was willing to give up so much to be with him, that it must be love. My free time, my individuality, my friends, family, the outdoors - all were sacrificed in the name of this thing that I thought had to be love. What else could explain the crazy feelings I had? The out of control, crazy, unrequited feelings that I had?
Now, I can tell you what else could explain those feelings. Desire. Desire and desperation. Addiction.
I would have moved across the country for him. I would have thrown myself under a bus - to save him, but also to get him to notice me and to pay attention to me. Well, shit. Who notices the girl under the bus? That's a pretty difficult place to be seen. Unless you want to be seen by your fellow roadkill.
So, what the hell is love? Have I ever been in it? I love a lot of people; and have no problems telling them so. But romantic love? With a boy? What is that supposed to feel like? I thought it was the out-of-control, I'd do anything for you feeling. But its not that. That feeling is crazy and unsustainable. That feeling made me crazy and unsustainable.
What I have with Prof is the complete opposite of BB. Its quiet. Supportive. Easy. If I need him, he's there. If I need him to not be there, he's gone. But those out of control, raging hormonal and desperate feelings aren't there and it confuses me. Shouldn't I think about prof every second of every day? If I don't, does that mean I don't care about him enough? Shouldn't I give up kayaking weekends so I can spend time with him? I would if it were BB, but I don't for Prof. I'm not desperate for the love of the Prof. I know I have it, in some form (no, there has been NONE of the love talk. We are both way too broken to be that vulnerable). And I know this for many reasons, but mostly because he encourages me to do the things that make me happy, even when they don't include him.
BB and I burned brightly for a millisecond. I thought it was love, but clearly, it wasn't. Prof and I don't burn anything (except maybe tofu-dogs) and I wonder if I will love him. Or if I already do. Or if I should. Or if I can.
But, seeing as I don't know what this love is, I'm going to have a hell of a time knowing whether I'm in it. And I feel like the "I love you" clock is ticking...