Thursday, August 27, 2009

"Family Planning"?

Have you checked out the "family planning" section of your local drugstore recently? If you haven't, you really need to. Unless you have a problem with sex shops. Then you should stay away.

I stayed home from work today. If you are counting, that makes two days in one week that I've been completely out of commission because of a headache. Woke up with stabbing pain in the left side of my head. Lucky for me, I had already made an appointment with the doctor earlier this week so I dragged my ass into the car, made a dangerous left turn onto the highway and limped into her office. The pain made me nauseous. Moving made my head pound. It sucked.

The doctor had little to offer me except a cocktail of random possible n0n-cures: a low dose of some anti-seizure med that causes serious side effects (though one of them is weight loss. Hmmm), a steroid that will make me twitchy, a serious pain pill and a referral to a headache specialist. We also talked about quitting or changing the birth control pill. In my heart, I'm pretty sure that's the problem. I think if I stop taking it, most of the headaches will stop.

And so will the sex.

So, as I was waiting for my pain and migraine prescription, I killed time by wandering around Rite-Aid. After grabbing some full sugar coke, some sun chips and shaving gel (though, why do I need to shave if I'm going to have to stop having sex?) I found the Family Planning Section; where you can buy both flavored lubricating gel and a paternity test kit. Intriguing.

You used to have to drive to seedy shopping malls and put on a disguise to buy some of the stuff that's sitting there, right out in the open, next to the pharmacy counter. A personal massager? Yeah right. Real personal. Vibrating rings for your condoms? What does that have to do with planning your family? And, I swear, that place has more varieties of lube than pep-boys.

They still sell the Today sponge, but at 15 bucks for three of them, it hardly seems worth it. Though, Elaine from Seinfeld sure thought so. The sponges were right next to the DNA paternity test kit; think that says anything about its effectiveness? Reminds me of the Rhythm Method bracelet reminder system I saw at the co-op last weekend -- right next to the baby bottles.

After enduring more than 30 minutes of bad 80's love songs, blared way too loudly from the ceiling for someone with a headache, I bought my crap and left without the pain pills. The pharmacy was unable to count out my 30 pills and put them in an amber container before my patience and tolerance for small talk with other customers wore out. So the pain continues, but its much less than it was earlier today.

I so want the headaches to stop. And I'm so afraid that quitting the pill will be the fix. For that problem, anyway.


Janet said...

Wow, I didn't know you could buy a paternity test kit just right there in your local drugstore. I wonder what exactly that entails? What has this world come to?

Ms Behaviour said...

Hmm, that's a tough one. I could not live my life without the pill because my cramps are so bad that I take prescription pain meds every month.

erin said...

Oh dude, that just sucks. What about switching to a different pill? Or is it hormones in general, not the particular combo you're taking?

I hate condoms. I mean, I use them when necessary, but I don't like them at all in the slightest. Hope you can figure something out!

Susan said...

I suspect there are going to be lots of trials and errors coming up with various birth control strategies. But maybe if I'm lucky, it will be a tumor instead of my pill.

Katy said...

My migraines are somewhat attributed to b.c. pills. I have some suggestions for you...based on what my neurologist (read head ache specialist) suggests. I'll save the other blog readers the nitty gritty.