Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Niceities

This is why I don't do relationships. I am a mental midget. A communications reject. A brooding bitch.

This whole conversation about me being nice to him is bringing me down. Which is definitely not nice for me. And instead of bringing it up tonight on the phone, like an adult, I didn't mention it. Instead, I treated him to about 20 minutes of short unspecific answers to his questions about my day. I could feel my face frowning. I didn't want to be talking.

There were a couple emails today that referenced the niceity discussion, started mostly by me. We had dinner with his friend from work and her husband. He got an email from her that he forwarded to me - the email, of course, said how nice and smart and funny I am. Notice, she said how nice I am? I, of course, had to point out that she thought I was nice. He replied back that I was nice. To her.

And while the comment had a smiley after it, and he didn't mean to hurt my feelings (I pretend to not have any, so how would he even know that was possible?) it really got to me. I have made vast improvements in the realm of not being a complete asshole to the person I am dating. And I have never, not once, said anything to him privately or in public that I would consider mean-spirited. But clearly, my teasing has bothered him.

And now its bothering me.

This is what I hate about relationships. And probably why I don't have many. You have to actually consider someone else's feelings. And then have feelings of your own. Which you then have to discuss. Sometimes at length. Mostly way longer than you want to.

So the problem boils down to the fact that he is an adult and can tell me how he feels and try to rectify it. I am a baby and stick my head in the sand, then pout, and refuse to discuss how I feel, except with friends and strangers on the interweb. So much for personal growth.

6 comments:

Mike said...

"You be nice!" -- Frank Costanza

Janet said...

Relationships can be such a pain! This is why I'm single. It's hard to know where to draw the line between being who you are and changing to make this person happy. Ugh.

Ms Behaviour said...

I really have no idea how to be unsingle anymore. No help from this quarter. However, that being cranky grumpy bitchy pants? Now THAT I can do a PhD on.

Elena said...

I've been thinking alot about this since our chat yesterday--when you're in a relationship, you are part of a team. You would not sabotage your teammate on the field if you were playing soccer and similiarly, you should not sabotage your teammate in your personal life by putting them down in front of other people. Why would you define yourself as someone who needs to put other people down in order to be funny? You are witty and funny enough without having to get a laugh from a stranger at the expense of your significant other....

erin said...

I think you're nice. I also think you have an edge. (I like people with edges.) Annnnd I think he maybe needs to get some thicker skin. You are who you are and unless you are being outright mean to him...

But then there's this theory about the universe, that it brings the exact people you need into your life to show you things you need to know about yourself. So there's always that angle, I mean hey, talking to the internet and friends about this stuff IS personal growth. (The internet knows more about me than anyone in real life.) I always say knowing/being self-aware is 50% of the whole growth battle.

Kristi said...

You know, I hear all the time that a good friend/partner accepts their other for who he/she is.

I don't agree.

I think a good friend/partner challenges us to become better versions of ourselves. They tell us the truth.

That said, the question I would ask myself if I were in your shoes is, "What is the little nugget of truth in each of these jokes you're telling him?" Could it really be something you should be saying outright? Just a thought...