This whole conversation about me being nice to him is bringing me down. Which is definitely not nice for me. And instead of bringing it up tonight on the phone, like an adult, I didn't mention it. Instead, I treated him to about 20 minutes of short unspecific answers to his questions about my day. I could feel my face frowning. I didn't want to be talking.
There were a couple emails today that referenced the niceity discussion, started mostly by me. We had dinner with his friend from work and her husband. He got an email from her that he forwarded to me - the email, of course, said how nice and smart and funny I am. Notice, she said how nice I am? I, of course, had to point out that she thought I was nice. He replied back that I was nice. To her.
And while the comment had a smiley after it, and he didn't mean to hurt my feelings (I pretend to not have any, so how would he even know that was possible?) it really got to me. I have made vast improvements in the realm of not being a complete asshole to the person I am dating. And I have never, not once, said anything to him privately or in public that I would consider mean-spirited. But clearly, my teasing has bothered him.
And now its bothering me.
This is what I hate about relationships. And probably why I don't have many. You have to actually consider someone else's feelings. And then have feelings of your own. Which you then have to discuss. Sometimes at length. Mostly way longer than you want to.
So the problem boils down to the fact that he is an adult and can tell me how he feels and try to rectify it. I am a baby and stick my head in the sand, then pout, and refuse to discuss how I feel, except with friends and strangers on the interweb. So much for personal growth.