Thursday, October 29, 2009

Back on the job, kinda

I went back to work today. Kinda.

There was a day-long meeting. You know, the kind of meeting where all the talking heads that make triple your salary and do half the work talk about things they know nothing about, while you steam and stew and try not to get up, tell them they are stupid, and slice their heads off? Yeah. I went to one of those today. And it felt weird. I feel like I should still be in mourning; that its too early to move on and go back to being the loud-mouth know-it-all girl in the corner at the meeting.

I went to work five times in October. Total. Five times. I'm way behind. I'm out of the loop. I totally don't care, but its weird that things have gone on without me. I'm expendable, despite what my enormous ego thinks. Work has managed without me, and while they will be glad to have me back (mostly), they managed without my technical knowledge, policy expertise and potty mouth. I'm so thankful that I work with people that are so supportive, and for an organization with decent benefits.

But going back to work is going to be really, really difficult. My head is elsewhere. I've become accustomed to letting myself sleep as long as I need to; and I need a lot of sleep right now my friends. Dealing with dad's estate, and my emotions, and my mother's emotions AND work? Its going to be tough.

Tougher still? The conversation I had with a well-meaning colleague at 8:35 this morning:

"Hi Phil. How are you doing?"

"Hey Susan. How are things?. How's your dad?"

(GULP. AWKWARD!)

"Oh. I guess you didn't hear. Dad passed away last week. Grandma too."

Pity face from Phil. Plus bonus sympathetic shoulder rub/pinch.

I hate the pity face. And that conversation? That conversation is bad for me, and bad for the person on the receiving end who was just trying to be nice. I handled it. I think I did ok. But, shit. That is going to happen over and over and over again when I get back into the office for real. I should just wear a big button warning people not to talk to me. Come to think of it, that might not be such a bad thing, deaths in the family or not.

People have said that the hardest part is behind me, but I don't think it is. I think the hardest part is yet to come. Getting my life back to "normal", without 2/5 of my family? That's going to be the hard part.

3 comments:

Ms Behaviour said...

Yeah, having that conversation repeatedly is going to be hard. Sucks :( Normal will look different when you get there.

Branden and Kristi said...

I agree with Ms. Behaviour. Things will never be the old "normal" again. Just different. And not to be too depressing, but it doesn't get easier as time goes on either...again, just different.

Co-workers are the worst. I actually stayed out a few extra days so I didn't have to deal with those conversations over and over and over. That does get easier though.

Miss OverThinker said...

i don't think the hardest part is behind you.. the first year is the hardest.. with the first christmas, first new years, first easter..etc.. after that, its not like the pain goes away, there is always a dull aching pain that stays and sort of becomes part of you.. but you don't mind it, because with the pain is the realization that that person is still in your life, even if in memories.. that has been my experience.. i guess each person has their own way of handling grief.. you are doing really well..