Sunday, October 25, 2009

Evil Emotions

I haven't slept in my own bed since last Monday night. I haven't been alone for more than an hour since Wednesday. I'm at home, alone, now. And its unnerving. And scary. I'm afraid that the emotions are going to let loose and I'm going to lose control. I'm afraid that there is sadness suppressed deep down inside, waiting to come out. Sadness I don't even know that I have.

I'm not a big fan of emotions. Love? Yeah, well, we all know where I am on that one. And Sad? Don't like that one too much either. Sad is uncontrollable. Overwhelming. And it comes when you least except it. I like to know. I like to schedule. I'm ok with being sad - I know that I need to take time to grieve, but I want to do it when I want to. Not in the middle of a random conversation. I'd like to pencil it in. You know, squeeze in an hour or so of mourning in between spin class and dinner. Instead, its coming out when it wants to; unscheduled and unprepared for.

I was having chocolate martinis with old family friends on Saturday night. We were telling old high school stories stories, then I started talking about the last week and everything was fine. Then we moved into how the guys had proposed to the girls, and how they had asked the dad first whether they could marry the daughter. All I wanted to say was that if some dude asked my dad whether he could marry me before he asked me, that there was going to be serious trouble. And I only got halfway through my sentence before my face screwed up and tears started coming out. I couldn't finish my thought and it just sucked. Tissues were brought. My nose was blown, and I recovered, but it still sucked.

Today, Prof and I went to see his friend play bluegrass music at the co-op. It was a beautiful fall day. We sat and listened and I smiled and clapped and sang, just appreciating the fact that I was alive and outside. Then they played their last song; an old bluegrass standby called May the Circle be Unbroken. Its about death and being left behind. Oh lord. I started bawling. Two seconds before I had been fine and happy and good. Then do a verse about about a casket and I'm done. I really liked that song too. Before.

I always thought that it was impossible to be sad if there was a banjo playing. I thought wrong.

I also wasn't expecting the anxiety. Prof has been by my side every minute since Wednesday. Saturday, we were invited to a Halloween party. I wanted him to go see his friends, but I had friends in from out of town that I wanted to see. So I told him to "Go! Play with your friends. I'll be ok." And then he said "You sure? Ok then..." And then I had a mini panic attack. Separation anxiety. "Shit. He's really going to go. What am I really going to do?" I felt like I used to feel when I was three and my mom would drop me off at day care and I would hang onto her leg. All clingy and out of control and sad.

It happened again tonight as I gathered up my stuff to move myself back into my own house. Who is going to pat my head and rub my back when I get sad? Who's going to help me fend off my crazy mother? I need to be home. And probably need to be alone. I've never had an issue being alone before, so this new low level fear of being alone is freaking me out.

I've always been so in control and self-sufficient. Its been tough to admit that I'm not unbreakable. And that I need people to help me through the tough times. I suspect that this experience is going to leave me a pretty changed person.


Elena said...

For the better. Let the new chapter begin....

Pegkitty in Pittsburgh said...

I hate emotions too. And it turns out nobody does lobotomies anymore.

When my grief was fresh, my therapist had me picture it like the ocean - you'll be walking along the beach, with little waves lapping at your legs, when all of a sudden a huge wave will knock you down and drag you under. You think you're going to drown in it, but in this case you're actually not (OK, it's an imperfect analogy...). And you never seem to see the big ones coming.

Hang in there.

erin said...

Grief is sneaky like that... one minute you're fine, the next sobbing. I think you're already a step ahead of the game because you realize that this experience has and will change you. And like Elena said "for the better". Let the grief come out and see what grows in the space it leaves behind.

trish said...

another therapist recommendation- mine told me that my attempts to "schedule my grief" were ridiculous and counter productive. just thought i'd share... besides best to have mini meltdowns now than be all repressed in the future. let it out!

Ms Behaviour said...

You have done big, scary things before and you can do this (well, actually you have no choice). It's sorta like having your kayak roll over. You'll roll it upright in the end, but you'll go through that entire spectrum of emotion before you realize you are not going to drown. You will regain control again, you just have to get to the other side of that rapid first.