Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Vibrator Graveyard

If you've turned on your tv, radio or computer recently, you may have heard that the East Coast is getting screwed by Snowzilla 2010. I've been snowed in my house for four of the past five days. I'm finally starting to go a bit stir crazy and am running out of things to organize.

So today, I started in on the bedside table. The table has two drawers; the first one is filled with random junk like old glasses, a heating pad, my wrist braces, old candles, buttons, condoms and my unused diaphragm. Prof has some stuff at my house, so I decided to dump it all and make room for his allergy pills and assorted boy crap. The glasses got put in the "give to blind people in Africa" pile, the medical supplies got tossed in another room to someday, hopefully, find a home to call their own and the condoms and diaphragm got tossed.

But the bottom drawer wasn't quite so easy. None of it could be put in the poor people from Africa pile.

It too contained condoms; a ridiculous number of condoms of various shapes and sizes. Those that were close to expiring got tossed; and the rest went into a ziploc bag (to keep them all together and neat. I'm insane). But, that's not all the drawer contained. In addition to some other random items obtained at a "Slumber Party" I had several years ago, I found five vibrators. FIVE.

Before you go thinking I'm some sex starved lunatic, let me explain...

They are all broken.

I'm sure they would last longer if they weren't being made in some Chinese factory that also churns out small toys that go into Big Grab machine at the grocery store, but fact is, I have five vibrators that don't work. In a drawer next to my bed. And I had to find a discreet way of getting rid of them.

(Ok, not all of them. Two of them have advanced features which long ago stopped working, but the basic buzz is still functional. Hey! I'm snowed in without my boyfriend -- I'm in survival mode here people!)

I just sat there on the floor, pondering this question: "What is the best way to throw away vibrators?" Then I sat there on the floor pondering another question: "What has my life come to?"

But really, how do you throw away a vibrator, without getting caught? Without risk? What if someone goes through my trash? What if a raccoon drags one down the street? What if the degrading latex causes groundwater contamination at the landfill? I wonder how many other women have pondered this exact question?

I ended up taking a sock from the lonely lost sock pile and shoving three broken vibrators into it, then shoving it in the bottom of a trash bag. Then I filled up the bag with lots of innocuous innocent trash so noone would suspect what could possibly be at the bottom of the bag.

Unfortunately though, the trash bag is still sitting in my hallway, owing to the fact that I can't really get out of my front door right now, let alone get to my trash can, which lives under my front porch. I wonder if I should take the bag somewhere else? Put on dark clothing and creep around the food lion at midnight, stalking their huge, anonymous dumpster? Or better yet, the trash can at the local park? Maybe I could throw it in my neighbor's can?

Or, I could participate in the sex toy recycling program. Why don't you try it first, then let me know how it went?

5 comments:

Johnny Virgil said...

I think this commercial is appropriate - :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MUapLERYGSU

Ms Behaviour said...

Wow, thanks for posting that! I have two broken vibes and was wondering what to do with them.

erin said...

Go with the anonymous dumpster idea!

Anonymous said...

You could always build a snowman with brightly colored vibrators for noses. Better than carrots.

Mike said...

I just read this...at work...and laughed out loud. Love Cynic, you are the B-E-S-T! I learn something new about you every read. That's a good thing.

That reminds me that we need to hang out soon.

I have no idea what you should do with said items, but I like the snowman idea.