Thursday, May 27, 2010

Lonely & Dissatisfaction

A strange thing happened to me on Sunday afternoon: I got home after two nights with the Prof and instead of being happy and content with finally being in my own house, I felt lonely.

What the fuck is that? I felt so strange that I had to stop and go through all of the emotions I could possibly be having to figure out what was wrong with me. Am I hungry? No. Not hungry. Am I stressed? No. Not stressed. Am I sad? No. Not sad. Oh. Lonely. I'm lonely.

Let me count up for you the times I've felt lonely in my house... It won't take long, because counting to zero doesn't take any time at all. I've never, ever not once felt lonely in my house. Even when PRex and I split and I'd never lived by myself. Not lonely (joyful, really). I've always been happy and content to be by myself here.

But now, I don't like it. I think it might very slightly have to do me enjoying Prof's cable and big tv, but the other 98% is because I just like being with him. And now that we've really started talking about living together, I just want it to happen now. I don't want to cook dinner for one anymore. I don't want full control of the remote (doesn't really matter when you only have five channels anyway). I don't want to wake up alone. Thinking about moving has made me dissatisfied with what I've got.

Usually in my life, I'm fine with everything as they are, until I decide to change. Then I hate everything and can't wait to ditch it. It wasn't until Prof and I started talking about moving in together that the neighbors really started to drive me nuts. And my town started looking really dumpy. Same thing happened with grad school - I was totally fine with life until I got accepted and then I couldn't wait to ditch my family and friends to make a new start across the country (ps, it didn't work out. Couldn't wait to get out of there as soon as I got there). I was fine with my couch until I decided to get rid of it, then I wanted to torch it immediately.

And so, I've decided to make this big, huge change. And its making me dissatisfied with what I currently have, and with how much time I get with Prof. Many, many, many things have to come together before we move; we are looking at fall sometime, if we are lucky. I fear that now that I've found this lonely discontented feeling, that I'm going to start getting mighty cranky. And that's no good for anyone.

(Please remind me of this post in a year, when I start bitching about living with Prof and wish he would go on an extended research trip so I can have the house to myself for a while)


kristen said...

this is exactly why i dont ever make plans.

Susan said...

Uh, really? Cuz the fact that I have spent 2 days at David's trying on bridesmaid dresses would say otherwise... :)