Friday, October 22, 2010

Deathiversary

Today marks one year since my father passed away, and one year 2 days since my Momom passed away. It feels like forever ago, and like just yesterday, both at the same time. I still haven't managed to shake that feeling that I should be taking care of someone, and worrying about someone. A couple weeks ago, I was driving to Target and an elderly man was limping along, carrying his groceries towards a senior, affordable low-rise. I involuntary starting thinking about what a good place that might be for my dad. I could visit after work, he could walk to the grocery store so I wouldn't have to drive him... Then, oh yeah, I realized I don't have to worry about that any more and was hit by an odd sense of sadness and relief.

Anniversaries don't really speak to me that much - yes, it was fun and all doing the monthiversary counts with the Prof - but like birthdays, I don't see what the difference is between 363 days passing and 365 days passing. It is a nice chance for reflection, but I'm not sadder or more upset today than I was yesterday, just because its October 22.

Besides, October 22 is one of my best friends' birthdays. I forgot it last year. I think she forgave me, considering the circumstances.

I had a huge moment of sadness in Clark's the other day, as I was desperately searching for a pair of flats dressy enough to wear with my giant purple bridesmaid dress. The last time I was in that store was the last time Momom had called me, and I think the last time I actually got to have a conversation with her. It hit me like a brick, but just for a second, then I was able to find a footie sock and try on some shoes.

I went back and read some blog posts from this time last year. I haven't looked at them since I wrote them, and I was surprised at how honest I was about how I was feeling, and how coherent I was. I've sort of forgotten exactly how difficult that October was for me - squashed it deep down inside I guess. It really amazes me the strength I was able to muster, and that I have such great friends who were really there for me when I needed them.

Ironically, I spent some time today scrambling for flowers for yet another October funeral. My great aunt died on Thursday and the funeral is Saturday. I didn't know her - we'd only met in passing at family functions years ago - so its not terribly upsetting or anything, but its eerily reminiscent of exactly what was happening for my nuclear family last year. Maybe we can get through next October without a funeral.

1 comment:

"Just Sayin....." said...

I'm sorry hun. *hugs*

Both my parents have passed on too. Mum 10 yrs, Dad 6.

I only have one thing to say, please take what you want from it, if anything. - "It does not get easier. It gets different."

I remember two distinct things that happened. Remember something that made me laugh hard, and I wanted to tell my Mum about it. 1/2 thru dialing her number it hit me.
Same with my Dad. I had made a repair on my car on my own and wanted to share it with him.

The grief attacks happen at the dumbest times, but they do ease a little more each time.

Thinking of you.
xo