Sunday, October 10, 2010

MeldDown

Ten years ago, while my single friends were spending their weekends picking up men, I spent my weekends picking out paint colors. I watched a ridiculous amount of Trading Spacing and the Garden Guy. I lived for the Home Despot. I had yet to discover kayaking, so its just what I did. Me and PRex. Living the American Dream, and boosting Home Depot's stock prices.

Then he moved out, and I moved on, and the house was totally painted, and I stopped spending my weekends on home improvement and I started to LIVE on the weekends. Not surprisingly, my yard has never looked the same since, but whatever.

That phase of my life was done. I had moved beyond it.

Except, now, I'm back.

The weekend mission was to turn my basement from the pit of despair into an area that doesn't make you want to take a shower when you emerge from it. Easier said than done. The basement has been ignored by me for years and years and years, and with the cat boxes, and spider webs, and dust, and more dust, and dirt and rusty shit, it has turned into one nasty place that contaminates the rest of the house with its mere filthy existence.

So, we went to Lowe's for some basic supplies. There was something strangely familiar, and aggravating, about wandering around Lowe's with Prof. Picking out some new mini-blinds for the windows I've never bothered to cover; looking at ceiling fans, light fixtures, cable splicer dealies, reciprocating saws and totes. Lots and lots of totes.

Over a hundred bucks later, we started in the basement by refastening some insulation that was hanging down, then tacking up some cables that had fallen down and threatened to strangle me every time I walked through the only pathway available from one side to the other. He helped me fix an overhead light clicky light whose clicker no longer worked. And saw through and chuck a half-finished shelf thing that PRex built that has been in my way since 2002.

And then my aggravation turned into a melt down.

I don't know what it was. The fact that I was doing a home project with a boy again - significant in so many ways? The fact that I was embarrassed beyond belief about how long I had let things go down there? And about the number of things we unearthed that smelled like cat pee (damn you, arlo!)? The fact that it was 3pm and I felt like we hadn't made any progress and we were supposed to be at a surprise party at 4:45?

Whatever it was, I snapped. I felt like I wanted to cry. There was too much to do. I needed his help, and I didn't need his help. It was never going to get done. Etc. Etc. He sensed my frustration, thankfully, and gave me some space. I didn't know what to do. I wanted him to stay and help me, but I also wanted him to go far far away so I could sort through things by myself. Its been so long since I've had someone to help me do anything, I don't think I know how to handle it anymore. My fierce independence is often an asset, but its starting to become a liability.

We talked about it later a bit. And the Lowe's / Home Improvement thing threw us both off. Last time he did a big Lowe's day, it was with his ex-wife. The last time I did, it was with my ex-boyfriend. But now we are doing it together - but all those other experiences are still there with us. And this is just the beginning.

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